Ticket 4 Two

Ashlie's out of town, Joel's out of work...

2006-06-20T20:32:00.000-05:00

...so you can guess who's taking care of the dog. This includes photographing him and posting his little dogface on the blog for all to see.

Hoss is now 12 and a half weeks old, which translates into the human "terrible 2's." In 3-4 months he'll be a teenager. For all the young lady dogs out there in cyberspace--Hoss likes long walks in the park, destroying shoelaces, and making his owners pick up his poo from random people's driveways at 7 o'clock in the morning. He'll be fixed in the next few weeks; all the lovin', no bun in the oven. He won't be leaving you with anything but a pleasant memory-no unwanted litters ladies. Look at that sexy stud jump to destroy the evil flower of death.

Here's the thing. Lately Ashlie and I have been falling in love with Cesar Milan, Dog Whisperer. We read his book, watch his DVD, subscribe to his podcast, breathe heavily on his answering machine, all those cute things infatuated teenagers do. He's great. He can turn a crazy bitch into a perfect pooch with a 5 minute walk. Basically he has become my new male role model in life (sorry Dad, P. Diddy, and Pat Sajack).

But all the puppy training books say the whole "dominant pack leader, calm assertive energy" thing he does is a load of crap. And cruel. And that your dog will hate you later in life and become a raging alcoholic with penchant for street lovin' and nose candy.

Instead, experts propose, you should teach him to be deliriously happy every time you make this special sound with a little clicker.

So our options are to have a substance-abusing, baby-biting dog, or a retard. Great. Which does he look like to you?

Luckily, Hoss made the decision for us. He ate the clicker. Now we just have to hide our cash and credit cards so he can't run up too big a bar tab.

Ashlie's great. She loves her job. She flies daily to all the most beautiful and exotic locations in the greater midwest region. She spends her days 30,000 feet in the air and her nights in the most luxurious hotels within a 5 minute drive from the 2nd largest airport in town. This, and she gets all the peanuts she can eat.

She'll be changing her password so that I can never post again shortly.

Have puppy. Will swoon.

2006-05-16T07:02:00.000-05:00

Finally. The day has come. Joel and I are now the proud new owners of quite possibly the cutest puppy in the world. Meet Hoss.

Hoss is the puppy on the left, seen here with his sister Mary. He is a Rottweiler/Wheaton Terrier mix. In this picture he was about 7 weeks old. He is now almost 9 weeks old and he looks more like this--

I retract my earlier statement. He is most definitely the cutest thing in the world. He doesn't whine or cry. He likes to take naps on my chest and lick my face. He hasn't gone to the bathroom in the house in like, 3 days. He only has one little problem.

Hoss is an infernal mouthing machine. He nibbles. All the time. Not on furniture or little toys or rugs, or any of that stuff. He nibbles on me. Not on "us." Not on Joel. Just me. And by "nibbles," I mean he likes to rip, tear, and tug strips of skin off my legs and feet. The stupid puppy has a toe fetish. Not a "licking" fetish; more like a "finding entire toenails complete with polish in my poop" fetish.

I guess I'll have to keep spraying my legs and toes with horrible-tasting bitter apple stuff so that he tires of the terrible tasting feet.

He's totally worth it.

My Family Album (and a bunch of other random pictures).

2006-04-10T22:31:00.000-05:00

Part of the beauty of being a flight attendant is the ability to switch around one's schedule. Which is why I'm writing to you from Spokane, Wa instead of Baltimore. I was able to trade my days which in turn gave me the 8th-15th off. Nice. So after a year I'm finally back in my old stomping grounds soaking in the sights and spending some quality time with my family. Which is why I thought that I would invite ya'll in to my world to meet my family.

p.s. Happy Easter! Am to lazy to actually publish blog in Spokane. Must wait until I am sitting airport standby (hence, getting paid to blog).

This is myself with our dog Reba and a friends puppies. Apparently I was going for "Reba" red when I colored my hair. Yipes.

This is my lil' sister. She just turned 16 this December- she's one of the twins.

Meet my parents. Gary and Jean. Been married 33 years and still smiling. Wowsa.

This is my little brother Christian. He's going to be 20 in August. I can hardly freaking believe it!

This is Easter at the Beal household 18 years ago. I'm the one in the ugly hat (yet very fashionable for the 80's right?) At least it hides the perm. The cutie patooties are my brother and little sister Kaitlen.

Another pic of my brother. Isn't he so freakin cute? But really. Who didn't love the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

This is my little cousin Lily mastering the art of "spoon on the nose" as taught by Sarah.

This is twin #2- Katherine (in the glasses). The girl hanging over her shoulder is my fake sister. Basically, I've known her since she was in diapers (which btw Marcy you should really move on to those big girl undies). Ha.

The End.

That was lamer than expected. Shoot. I figured that anytime pictures were involved it would be a winner. Oh well. Am to tired to care. Must be the 3.5 hours of sleep I got last night....

I am soooo bored.

2006-04-06T09:29:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the-airline-who-must-not-be-named. You are now on ready reserve. That means that we can call you anytime of the day and request you to buzz on over to your nearest friendly neighborhood airport. Or? We can not call you and you can just sit around getting paid and eating bon bons. Our choice.

Well, apparently folks they have chosen the later. In a complicated system of sorts I have been on reserve for 3 days now and have just sat around. The first day I used "recovery" as an excuse to nap and lounge since I had just come back from a 3 day trip LATE the night before. The second day I had no excuses. But do you think that stopped me from napping and lounging again? Um. No. So basically, since Monday, I have been doing nothing and getting paid for it. But instead of learning French, teaching myself how to knit, cooking an 18 course meal or writing the next great American novel I am sitting. And laying. And then sitting again before I take nap #2. I AM SO BORED. To be completely honest, all I really want to do is decorate my new house which is why i'm admitting to the 6 hours of internet searching for the perfect "cottage" look. Not to mention spending nearly $100 (that I shouldn't be spending!!!) on books about color, decor, landscaping and how to build a deck. I'm actually dreaming about buying a nail gun people. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME! And? When I not picturing myself tearing down walls, I'm picturing myself romping on the floor (get your mind out of the gutter) with our new puppy.

So instead of trying to focus on the "now" I'm going to float back to decorating and ask ya'll some very important questions. Like? What the heck should I do with my kitchen and living room? Paint the kitchen cabinets? The wainscoting? Were leaving the living room woodwork alone, but I'm still not sure what to paint the walls. Oy. I'm going to post some pics below so you all can tell me exactly what to do.

What I really need is plaid-B-gone. And more counter space.

Woodwork-yeah! The rabid love for all things Notre Dame-boo.....

*just woke up from a glorious nap. decided to finish post and swear to learn French tommorrow.....

BIG news and tasty corndogs.

2006-04-04T13:35:00.000-05:00

Well I figured that after a month I'd finally write something on this 'blog thing' I started in September. Or was it August? Dunno. Anywho- same old Ashlie here, just a new occupation and a renewed love for all things soy, including Trader Joes Corndogs. Do you want the big news first or the little things out of the way? Lets work on the little juicy details of my life. Like? I have tendinitous in my thumb from opening soda cans. Well, that was fun. Now lets move on to the bigger and better news.

Big fatty news #1:

Julie had her baby.

Big fatty news #2:

We bought a house!!! We move in 24 days!!!

Big fatty bo fat news #3 (don't ask me were I pick up this lingo!):

Member how I said Joel's brother TJ and his wife were going to have babies WAY before us? I was right!!!! Joel and I are going to be aunt and uncle..

Big fatty news that may be a little premature #4:

We be gettin a puppy peeps!!!! Both of us have decided that we want a something that's going to be loving, but a good guard dog (because HELLO, we live in Baltimore!!!). So I think were going to get a Rott/Lab mix or a Great Dane!!! Yeah! Go us!

Big fatty news that should have been written about a LONG time ago #5:

We finally got a bed! Its a fantabulous, beautiful oak? cherry? teak? (ha. see if I know my woods) canopy bed. So does that mean that we went all office space on our airmattress? Nope. Its now just been elevated about two feet off the ground. Ugh.

_____________________________________________________________

Now who wants to see some pictures? Lets start with baby and move onto house. I'm only going to post a few, the rest I'll put on flicker (that crazy lil box on the left hand side of my blog that has flashing....pictures! Gasp!).

Look at that beautiful little smiley face?!??! Isn't she precious??? I haven't gone to meet her (thank you weather delays!) but hopefully I'll get to soon....

This is our new house (ugly "Easter" decorations on porch not included)!!!! Ta-da!!!

That's all I've got for ya now, but go check out the rest of the pics and PLEASE give me some good decorating advice. Right now the inside is a wee bit to country for my taste.

Playing catch-up is for sissies.

2006-02-26T12:38:00.000-05:00

But? I'm sure you all are longing to hear the latest and greatest happenings among the Ewen family. Hence, the fabulous list below. Easy-smeashy peeps.

1. Graduated from Flight Attendant Training. Now own my very own set of wings and pants that have a 15 inch rise. Veeerrrry sexy folks.

2. Survived a simulated plane crash complete with choking smoke, screaming and broken bones (fortunately not mine) from jumping off the 12 ft wing.

3. Hitched a ride home on American. For free. This is the life folks....

4. Was greeted by a handsome man bearing roses at the airport. Hope my husband doesn't find out. Just kiddin!

5. Came home to new furniture. Pretty, pretty new furniture.

6. None of which was a bed.

7. Yup. Still sleeping on an air mattress.

8. Made a bosom-bud in training. She's from Oklahoma and will be spending a few nights in our love nest for additional training in Bmore until she can find a crash pad. Hope she likes the floor in the living room.

9. Got another offer rejected on a house. Whoever said third times a charm should be shot.

10. My hair looks like poop (just thought ya'll would want to know)...

11. On a happy note- going to look at 3 houses today. One of which is the 1st house we put an offer on. Buyers financing fell through! Yeah for us! Putting in another offer.

12. Husby is buying me an IPOD video player. Why? Just because I am special and he loves me. Jealous much?

13. I already bought the cutest cover for it. Cherries on white canvas with a leather cord. Yummy.

14. Did I tell you my hair looked like poop?

15. Am going blonder this week.

16. Its official. Am addicted to being blonde. Need a support group or a tan to change my mind.

17. My 19 y/o brother got a job. Not that you care. But? Its a BIG deal.

18. He also got a haircut which may even be a BIGGER deal.

19. My flights this month consist of overnights in Tampa (18 hrs!!!), Long Island and Los Angeles. When you're slaving away at your desk this week please picture me on the beach in Florida. Ha. Ha. I'm sure your day will go by faster.

20. Julie finally chose a baby name.

21. What? You want to know????

22. Okay. Nora-Kate. Cute, huh???

23. She's also invited me to be at the hospital for the birth. Am so flattered. Even though I HATTEEE hospitals I will suck it up to witness one of the most important days of my best friends life. I am so excited to meet little Nora.

24. Here's a picture of Jules at 8 months (only 3 weeks to go!!!)

Well. That is about it folks. Please check back later this week for more about the "housing" situation and the weather report from the beach. Hope all is well with my family, friends and internet conspirators.

Oh. And?

2006-02-05T17:01:00.000-05:00

Didn't get the house. Nope. Apparently we're not cool enough to be homeowners yet. Well.... stupid people who live in the stupid neighborhood that we want to buy a stupid house in who don't want to sell their stupid homes to us..... Fiiiiinnnnne stay in your stupid houses and don't sell to the cutest newly married couple in Baltimore who want to buy a dog but can't without a house. Bah. Am bitter and have completely lost any knowledge of how to form a sentence.

That is all I have to say on that matter. Oh. And gooooooo Seahawks!

Am alive. Barely.

2006-02-04T21:57:00.000-05:00

Holy Mother of Mary folks. I have been working my butt off in training for "the-airline-who-must-not-be-named" and have *finally* finished the first week. The weather in Dallas has been awesome. Not that I've been outside to enjoy it but whatever. Only 3 more weeks to go. 3 more weeks of 12 hour class days and then 2 hour nights studying. Not knowing whether I will survive training, if my instructors like me or if I will pass all the tests with flying colors. One missed Valentines Day *the first in my married life*. Missing my husbands first month of teaching, setting up his classroom and giving him a hug after a kid calls him a "cracker faggot."

Here are the things I will be participating in the next 3 weeks:

Waking up every morning at 5 am.

Eating gloppy oatmeal for breakfast and mystery meat for lunch.

Reapplying my lipstick 5 bajillion times to achieve the perfect "flight attendant red" my instructors want.

Trying not to fall asleep in class by chewing ice until my mouth is numb and I have a headache. Because? If there's pain, theres not sleep.

Getting annoyed at THAT girl in my class. You know the one. She asks a dumb question every two minutes and thinks she owns the world. Makes me want to pick up the nearest sharp object to jam into my eye. Which would probably be beneficial because pain = no sleep.

Listening to a lecture on customer service for 8 hours in the same seat with that same GIRL only breaking for lunch.

The highlight of my week is going to Target.

So really? Is it worth it? Yes, yes, yes. Being a flight attendant is the most amazing career in the world. Maybe not for everyone, but definitely for me. It's in my blood and I can't wait to start. I mean really? Where else can you watch the sun rise, set and see all of Gods amazing creation at 40,000 ft.? Here's my office view folks. Cant beat it.

Love you all. Will update soon. Pray for my sanity.

Possibly the worst way to pickup a woman. Ever.

2006-01-17T14:32:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine just told me a story last week about how she got picked up by this guy at TGI Fridays. He walked over to her table and asked if he could buy her a drink because he'd had a REALLY hard week. She, not being one who takes drinks from men of whom bear no interest, declined. He then preceded to tell her that his son had died two days ago. Of course she was horrified, especially when he worked up tears and his buddy pulled out a "memory" card with a picture. He explained that he had been practically comatose all week after the funeral. Wait uh second? Didn't he say his son had died TWO days ago? She put two and two together, resisted the urge to dump her drink all over him and bolted.

Can you believe that? How low are some guys? I would really love to meet their mothers and tell them just what kind of kid they raised (that is- if there mother didn't die TWO days ago). Makes me all the merrier knowing what kind of a man I have. Definitely not a Slimy McSlimerson like those dudes. Sheesh.

So. The it seems that y'all want to know where that house is? Well. I'd love to tell you but I'm trying to be more cautious about providing to many details to the whole freaking world (thank you internet!). The only thing I'm going to say is that its in a nice, quiet neighborhood close to downtown (yes, its in the city) and we put an offer on it last night. Wha? Yup. That's right. We, Ashlie and Joel Ewen, placed an offer on a real house not made out of cardboard or Saran wrap. Very exciting moment in our 9 months of marriage. Also a wee bit scary. Starting to think about the mortgage payment makes me sweat and then all I smell is peaches for the rest of the day (thanks freakin' peach deodorant!). The crazy part? We were approved for 100k more than what we'd purchase this home for. $100,000 more. That's like 100,000 frostys or nuggets (anyone else hate that commercial?)!! Our mortgage payment will still be twice what were paying for rent but we'll have a lot of extra cash to save for emergencies, furniture (hello bed!) and other fun things. Not like we'll be rubbing our bodies in $100 bills anytime soon but it could be worse. All in all, I think it was a wise decision. The pregnancy scare/excitement really pushed us to consider more of the "what-ifs" of a two income family.
Anywho. More about the house. The kitchen REALLY needs updating, but everything else shines. If our offer gets accepted there are only a couple things we want to work on. First, we want to completely redo the kitchen. Its only 9x9 so it shouldn't be to expensive. Anyone have any good ideas of cabinets, flooring etc.? I was thinking about just refinishing the old cabinets, but the layout is less than ideal. Secondly we're going to add a roof deck. Awesome. We'd even have an amazing view of skyline downtown and possibly a lake. Yea! And lastly, but very importantly, we plan on venting the fireplace. Apparently some moron bricked it in. Who bricks in a perfectly good gas fireplace? Grrr....
Must be patient though. Were not even sure if our (competitive) offer will be accepted. But don't fret friends, family and blogging community, you'll be the first to know. I'll leave a couple more pictures as a parting gift.

In order:

The other side of cute 17x14 master bedroom with his and her mirrored closets.

Kitchen that is in need of some TLC. New cabinets or not?

View through the dining room to the 17x17 living room with french doors (did I

mention it has the most adorable porch?). I will be stocking up on tons of potted plants and maybe a porch swing or two ;)

p.s. I swear that I'm doing all I can to become a good lil' east coaster. But? Sometimes I slip up. Like today for example. Went to the grocery store wearing a winter coat, ear muffs (don't make fun of me- they looked cool!), capri's and flip flops. I can't even begin to tell you the looks I got. I just have no sense when it comes to stuff like that. Should I blame the west coast or working at Abercrombie and Fitch? I'll let you decide....

We might have found a house!?!?!

2006-01-12T18:41:00.000-05:00

Okay. So I may be counting my chickens before they've hatched but Joel and I have found a house that we love in (actually below!) what we wanted to pay. Its in an awesome quiet neighborhood close enough to downtown to take advantage of the cool stuff but far enough away that bars on windows aren't necessary. Do you want to see some pictures? Of course you do!

I really love the house because it has all the old molding and beautiful hardwood floors throughout. There's also a TON of storage (which is key when both of you tend to accumulate a ton of crap). Here's another pic of the dining room- you can see right into the living room where there are French doors leading out onto a super-cute porch.... The living room has a "decorative" fireplace (I realllly wish it worked) which is also really cute. BTW- can I really say the word really one more time???? Am such a goon.

Here's the kicker- something were NOT looking for but we keep on running into. A nursery. This house has the most beautiful nursery in the world. Its a gorgeous tangerine color and the perfect size. Made me want to pop one out right there.

Anywho. I'll keep you updated. But it looks like we may be putting in an offer soon! Yeah!!! Oh and more big news on the horizon..... I'm getting my hair cut next week! Okay. More like a trim. But I'm still allowed to get excited right? Right??

p.s. Go check out the photo album- I (finally) added some new pictures!

Two posts in two days? Yes. I'm just that crazy.

2006-01-09T18:59:00.000-05:00

How y'all doing? I am doing fantabulous. Especially after my free wireless decided to come back from Christmas vacation. Apparently he was skiing in the alps- who knew? Anywhoo. Life is going wonderfully. Busy. But great. Christmas and New Year's were so much fun with Joel that I barely had time to pine away for snowy afternoons with my family back West.

sidenote: Thanks for the New Years invite Paige! I wished I would have gotten the email before the 8th of January... no thanks to free wireless. But on a positive note, Joel and I got to sit around and binge relentlessly on pizza until we fell asleep 12:01am. Nothing like watching Carson Daly mess up counting backwards from 10 to ring in the new year. Carson? No more prime time specials for you. And for those of you with better math skills (Isabel!) I actually did begin this post way back when (the internet worked).

But really? Enough about me! Let's talk about you internet. How are you doing? I am ever so curious to see how 3 or so of your pregnancies are coming along, 1 wedding and numerous other exciting things such as how the Redskins happen to be doing. But before we go any further let me tell you a funny story. Hypothetical of course.

Let's just say that there was this girl. She was newly married and living thousands of miles from home. This girl and her husband had decided to wait to have children until they were better prepared. Say? Three or four (or never) years. Then one day after puzzling on why her "friend" hadn't been to visit (Aunt Flow is sooo cliche?) it dawned on her. With a sick feeling in her stomach she left her husband to his solitaire game and went to confront that dreaded EPT. In about 30 seconds the sickness was confirmed with a lovely shade of pink. I... I mean she flung open the bathroom door and stood there pointing with one hand over her mouth. No words were quite right at the moment. Her loving and dumbfounded husband walked in expecting to see a very large bug, rat or something slimy. After about 20 seconds of scanning the (tiny) bathroom he noticed it resting so gently on the corner of the sink. It all its pink glory. What follow from there was a flurry of emotions. SCARED, happy, terrified, crazed and excited. They then proceeded to call every blood relative to relay the (good?) news. Some cried. Some said "whoops?". Others just asked if we happened to be at a circus due to the crazy clown laughter in the background. With a shaky voice she was able to respond that, no, that wasn't a clown it was actually her husband having a nervous breakdown. With their minds whirling 60 miles a minute they eventually tried to sleep. But? They were too excited. EXCITED. This lasted until they next day when she took another "test" and it came out negative. Followed by the "friend" she now considered an enemy and many apologetic phone calls.

Hmm... So what do think about my fun little story? Lovely huh?!!? But it wasn't all bad. We both decided that we probably want to have kids earlier than expected. Maybe in a couple of years instead of 5. We'll see. But for now? Must focus on my marriage, training and life. And sleep. Am exhausted.

Holy bah-gee-bees batman!

2005-12-27T20:03:00.000-05:00

I am officially internet-less. Life has gone from la-de-da internet overload to walking a couple blocks away and purchasing $4 chai tea latte for any connection time. Not only that, but I also have the possibility of crazies staring over my shoulder for a "peek" into my personal life. The plus side is that I get to let my imagination off the leash on the way over. In one block I saw on the sidewalk something that looked like a woman's scalp (turned out to be bad extensions) a full size Clinique lipgloss in a garish color, a half full bottle of cheap beer and a chunk of fur that looked like Chewbacca horked up. Needless to say I was able to come up with a fairly impressive story about a dog, a drag queen and a street rat one blustery winters eve. But I won't bore you with the details. Instead? I'll fill you in on the cool stuff. Like what you may ask? I just got a call from the airline-who-must-not-be-named and was invited to training on January 29th! In Dallas! Woo-hoo! And to think that I've only been waiting for this moment for say, over a year. I can't wait to fly again. On the downside I was just getting into my groove with the makeup line. This may be pretty cocky, but I'm actually really good at what I do. Especially after training. My expertise and technique is miles better than what it was. And I have the free makeup to prove it.

Anywhoo.... on to the Christmas photo essay part deux.

Look at the pretty, pretty lights! This is Hampden. Home of the crazy Baltimorean's who decorate their homes with vigor and glee. We're actually looking at houses in this area so we too can put a 12 ft. polar bear blowup in our wee yard. Around here people spell Christmas decor t-a-c-k-y. Just the way we like it.

Christmas morning! Yea! I threw on a sweatshirt and a tinsel halo and was set to rip into the pile of presents which lay under suga (the 12 ft man eating tree). We started with the stockings. Mine contained lots of fun stuff- including all the Harry Potter DVD's. Love Harry.

Joel's stocking contained season two of Macgyver. Can you tell he's excited? The rule of thumb is that if not biteable or wearable it's just not cool.

The Internet Grinch Strikes Again....

2005-12-22T12:53:00.000-05:00

So my free wireless internet hasn't been working *gasp* and now I'm so out of touch with my blogging buddies, for all I know Isabel has already had her baby (although that would be frightening early!)....

So I hope everyone's doing smashing- I am! Here's the scoop. Been working. Lots. Love it! Have never received so much free makeup in my life. Let me tell ya though, it's a lot harder doing makeup on strangers than I once thought. Have you ever tried doing a smoky eye on someone with super-saggy eyelids? Thought so. It's nearly impossible. And? For those of you out there cursed with super-saggy eyelid syndrome please, please, please don't go for dramatic. It only makes you look ill and accentuates your super-sagginess. For the love of all that is holy and pure- try some neutral shimmer people! Honestly though, super-sagginess aside, I really feel blessed to be working at a job that I enjoy with customers and co-workers that are equally delightful. Am filled with squee. And just to fill the squee up more- I'm scheduled to go to actual makeup artist school (!) at the beginning of January. How much fun is that?!?! And? To be getting paid for it? Weeeee! The ladies that will be teaching us are artists for our line (Stila- amazing stuff!) and do work for magazine covers and New York fashion week kinda stuff. How cool is that? Between the free makeup/teaching I'm getting I kinda think I should be paying them- but I suppose that eating lipstick for dinner would only last so long....

Anywho- without further adieu I will thrill you with a wonderful Christmas photo essay.

For our first Christmas we decided to get some special ornaments that would reflect our first year of marriage. Something very near and dear to our hearts that with one look will take us back to that first, amazing year. When we saw these we instantly knew that they captured the essence of what our marriage is about.

Television, Popcorn and Beer (root beer for moi).......

Onto the tree segment. Meet Suga (Joel refuses to call him Suga and insists on Doug. I say that he prefers to be called by his Latin name to embrace his ethnicity. Geez Joel- haven't you heard of being politically correct???) It was at this moment that we realized "Suga" was a wee bit bigger than we had previously thought.....

Ashlie: What? He's taller than our 12 ft. ceiling? That's impossible honey- I swear he was only 10ft tall at the lot!

Joel: Well he's for sure a freaking load taller than 10 ft. I'm going to have to cut off at least a foot on top and lasso him to the tree stand so he doesn't fall on us during dinner.

Joel: He is so falling on us during dinner. Is he looming?? I swear he's looming. Its like he's planning something sinister.

Ashlie: Our little suga? Preposterous. Have you taken your medicine today?

All the skeptics will look at this picture and say "nay your tree is not 12 ft tall *pshesh*, that would make you 7 feet tall and although you are lithe and statuesque you are surely not 7 feet tall!" You know what I say to them???? You cannot see the 3 ft. stool I'm standing on. And? Do those jeans make my butt look fat?

So were sitting there during dinner and guess what happens? Just guess. Let me paint a picture for you. I'm taking a sip of my fantabulous Rielsling and Joel has just taken a bite of his Guinness marinated steak when all of a sudden I have tree in my mouth instead of wine. And? Are those Christmas lights in my eyes or is God taking me home? Nope. God has spared my life to tell others of the dangers of buying a monster Christmas tree that may try to attack you during dinner. Yes. Joel was right, Suga was looming and out to get us.

This is the aftermath of the great tree falling of 05. All that was spared was one strand of lights and a few lucky ornaments. The rest had met an untimely death on the floor or were rather decoratively placed on our bodies. Joel looked rather festive with the lights and various ornaments decorations hanging off his arms and legs and tangled in his hair. I looked fabulous of course.

What can I say? We learned our lesson. Suga was properly dealt with and fastened to the wall through various tree-pinning methods. We, on the other hand, are still a little scared of our ginormious tree. Which may explain the semi-frightened glassy look in our eyes as we posed for our Christmas card picture. Wha? Didn't I tell you that Joel and moi are a super-couple and have written (and mailed) 25 or so Christmas letters along with making fudge and cookies for our entire apartment building and taking in orphans for the Holidays? Okay...maybe not the orphan part.

Down goes the zipper! And picture of my preggers BF Jules. (two not related)

2005-12-10T19:30:00.000-05:00

In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn’t. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled. “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”

The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

God Bless Texas! Anywho- we finally bought a tree. It is a beautiful Douglas Fir that likes long walks through the snowy forest and twinkling lights strung through its bows. We named it Pseudosuga (suga for short) after his Latin heritage. Suga is a pretty big guy- 12 ft tall. He put up a little bit of a fight when we tried lasso-ing him to the tree stand but eventually he stood tall, proud and unflinching. Only after my back started spasming from holding up a 12 ft freakin tree while my strong, brave husband wrestled with it. Tomorrow? We'll decorate. But before I go, I'd like to share with y'all a beautiful pic of my best friend Julie that I *just* got in my email. Maybe this will help you come up with more baby names.

Isn't she pretty and glowing and such? Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. But I have a question for y'all. What should I get her? She's now 6 months and I haven't gotten a baby gift yet. I'd like to buy her something really cool. Any ideas? Anything that y'all have absolutely loved and would highly recommend? Let me know! For now- ta ta!

Finding a Christmas tree is harder than it sounds & Free Advice Friday Part ... I don't know....

2005-12-09T20:13:00.000-05:00

My nodes are swollen. Just on the right side of my neck. Ew. And? Ow. It's also sore. Stupid nodes and stupid Christmas tree lots. Yesterday we drove around and took a peek at the beautiful Christmas lights in Hampden. Determined to buy a tree we spent a good hour wasting gas only to come up with one lot that was freaking exspensive. $25 a foot! Yikes! 'Specially when you have 15 ft ceilings and want a 10 ft tree. Today we found a great lot and even picked out a frew trees before we realized that we had no cash or checks with us. And? Using an ATM is pointless becuase moi doesn't remember her pin number. Gah. So instead we went to Target (thats Tar-jhee to you) and bought some tacky tinsel followed by some tacky ornaments followed by some classic Dane Cook. Tommorrrow we'll get the tree. We'll do it. I swear. Anyway- Heres that free advice I've been promising. Its genious I tell you. Genious.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Ashlie,
I need make-up advice!
1. My eyelashes are PUNY, but I hate wearing mascara because it makes my eyes itch. And then I forget I have mascara on & I rub them and you know what that leads to - racoon eyes. Awesome. Anyways, I have tried several different brands, but I haven't found one that doesn't irritate me. Any suggestions?
2. Also, any pretty eyeshadow advice for the holiday season? My eyes - they are blue (with puny eyelashes).

Thanks!

Carley

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dearest Carley,

Racoon eyes of death. Hate. HATE. I feel your pain. I have the same issues during allergy season when eye makeup becomes intolerable. So here is my solution to your eye-opening issue.

1. As our dear friend Crystal in Canada stated- eye lash tinting is fantabulous. If you cannot tollerate mascara then I would highly recommend it. Just don't try it yourself if you like being able to do things like .... seeing.

2. For making the most of your what you got, here's what you need to do. With beautiful blue peepers (such as I) the colors I recommend and wear are: bronze, gold tones, peach and shimmery neutrals. These colors really make blue eyes pop. For a more dramatic look try using a slate grey and blend, blend away. After you've applied your pretty colors take waterproof eyeliner in dark brown or black and push it against your upper lashes. Work the liner in between your lashes and as close to the base as possible. Then (if you can handle it) line the inside of your upper eyelid. Then line your lower inner eyelid in white. Finish it off with a good heated eyelash curl and two coats of mascara (or not if your lashes are tinted) and Voilah! Mag-ni-feac!

Follow these steps and you should have eyes that would make Ruldoph drive the sleigh into the side of a building killing Santa, 5 reindeer and leaving two with permanent brain damage.... Or not.

Love,

Another blue eyed beauty

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hey Ashlie,

Congrats on the new job...again! lol Seriously, jobs take up too much time of our lives to stay in the ones that are not good for us. Best of luck with the new one.

I do have a question though. As I may have shared earlier, I want to apply to * Airlines to be a flight attendant. I work at a hotel and shuttled the crews to and from my hotel for a couple of years and love how cool and friendly all of the crew members always were. I know it's a crazy job (mine is too), but for the most part, everyone always seemed pretty happy. Can I ask you why you left? I imagine that time away from home could be more difficult than some associates expect and I know how rude some travelers can be, but are there some other things I need to be ready for before I make the big step?

Thanks for any advice you may have. And good luck with the new makeup artist gig.

My best,

Mike

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Mike,

Welllll. I've been a wee bit cryptic about my flight attendant position as to not *jinx* the training date. See? I'm actually waiting for airline-who-must-not-be-named to call me to training. Heres the timeline of my journey with * airline. I applied last November and was called into an interview on March 22nd. I found out a week later that I was HIRED! Woo-hoo! Then the wait began. This was my life:

Spring
Everyone: "So Ashlie, when are you going to training?"
Ashlie: "June or August. Riiightt around the corner."
Summer
Everyone: "So Ash, when do you think this whole training thing will commence?"
Ashlie: "Ummmm. Soonish I hope. September at the latest."
Fall
Everyone: "So Ash, how about this whole "training" thing?"
Ashlie: "Freakin A. I'm never going to training. Better get a couple crappy jobs to tide me over."

So basically I've been waiting for quite some time start with * airline. But? Its well worth it. So Mike, to clarify your questions and stuff here goes:
~ I didn't quit * airline. Just haven't started yet.
~ The time away can be difficult. But really? You have at least 13-15 days off a month so that totally makes up for it.
~ Travelers can be rude but so can yo mama (nothin says happy holidays like a yo mama joke). But really, you just plater a smile on your face and chant over and over "I never have to see them again, I never have to see them again."
~ To prepare for this position you need to do a few things: Get lots and lots of customer service experience and practice smiling even when you want to hit.

Sincerely,

Girl who is waiting *patiently* to go to training. Waiting. PATIENTLY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well folks, Joel just threw himself into bed and I should be following shortley since I have to wake up early tommorrow and learn more about the joys of sexual harrasement in the workplace. So no, makeup artist gig hasn't started yet. But? I can tell you what to say if a man wants to buy a pink lace robe from you! Gah.

p.s. Rach!!!! Long time no see, speak, hear, talk, listen or anything to. Miss you a ton! How have you and Darel been? Going home for Christmas? So many questions. We have to work out this whole east coast/west coast thing so we can talk. If I don't hear from you before then- hugs and kisses and merry Christmas.

pps. That was my BFF y'all! Miss her.

Dont EVER get in the way of a woman and her nuggets.

2005-12-08T13:36:00.000-05:00

Its hard being a blogger at a non-blog job. Without a *blessed* office job there is NO WAY I will ever be able to keep my "5 entries a week" goal. On my days off its fairly easy to come up with some quality blogging time. Its a whole 'nother story the other 5 days a week though. Lets use Monday as an example. I decided, being the clean girl I am, to take a shower before work. So I hop out of the shower, wrap up in a fluffy and luxurious towel and then plop on the air mattress for a few quality blogging minutes while my hair dried. So as I'm perfecting the art of semi-neked blogging and Joel is asleep in the living room someone knocks on our door. I then hear our landlady ask if she can come in. I practically fly off the bed in search of some kind of clothing that I can throw on. I manage to sucessfully dig something that smells only mildly rotten out of the dirty clothes. NOTHING is worse than being clean and having to wear DIRTY clothing. Ew. Just Ew. After I hurriedly make myself decent I peek my head around the corner. What I see has me slightly perplexed. Joel. Land-lady. Man wearing ghost-buster pack. Oh? What is land-lady saying? She forgot to notify us that she was spraying for pests in our apartment today? Right now? In our messy apartment overflowing with dishes, popcorn on the floor and unmentionable "bridal shower" presents not tucked away in their various homes? Great. Juuuuussst dandy. So Joel and I stood there while landlady gave apartment evil eye and ghost buster man walked around our house stepping on and over piles of clothing and dirty underwear spraying something that I'm sure isn't healthy to breathe. Or wear. Humiliating. At least he could of taken us out for lunch first. Gah.

Oh, oh! I forgot to tell y'all something hilarious that happened to us the day before Thanksgiving. On our way to Boston for our delish meal Joel and I stopped at a Wendy’s outside of Philly. Before I tell the story I need you to VISUALIZE with me. Lets take a journey together. A journey to Wendy’s for a 99 cent frosty and real chicken nuggets. Mmmmnn...
Walk into Wendy’s with me. Notice how the line forms. Notice the big metal fence setup to keep crazy Wendy addicts under control. Okay. Lets begin. Joel and I walk into Wendy’s and take our place in the line. I slowly and precisely weigh my options. Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger or Chili? Frosty with or without Butterfinger add-ons? By the time I have processed these important decisions we are at the front of the line with about 7 people behind us. As Joel and I are waiting patiently to order an older woman walks in. She steps in front of us and stands next to the girls who are currently ordering. Joel thinks she is their grandmother. I think that they screwed her over in the drive through and how much I HATE it when they accidentally put mayo on my burger and then I have to turn around and wait in line to have them take the dang mayo (that I SPECIFICALLY requested not to have on) off because they really don't care about my needs and how mayo will not only add more calories but also make my burger taste like poop. *stopping to take a breath* Anyway. We both gave her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe because it was the holidays. Or maybe because she was dressed like a bag lady. That is beside the point. The point is that the girls walked away and the lady started ordering! A diet coke! Light on the ice! With? Chili! Everyone in line started looking at each other and making those "I can't believe she would do that but I'm not going to say anything" faces. I was floored. And then mad. How dare bag lady come between me and my nuggets? Justice must be served. Right as I was about to serve up some hot justice with no mayo the next cashier called us over. I counted to ten and took some deep breaths. I then walked over to load up on ketchup and bag lady proceeded to GET IN MY WAY. I snapped. All the evil thoughts that had been brewing in my head poured out of my mouth. "Um, just so you know. Next time? See those little metal things? That’s where the line starts." (It came out much nicer than planned). Bag lady looked at me with sympathetic eyes and muttered a lame apology about "oooohhhhh.... I didn't know that’s what those things were?!!??!" Are you kiddin me? She was on first name basis with the cashier and she didn't even know where the line began? Joel ever so politely said (okay, half yelled) bull(cough). The funniest part of the whole episode was half-way through our lunch a guy who was eating when this whole thing occured came up to us and said that was the funniest thing he's seen in a long time. At least we provide good comic relief to the masses. Becuase really? That’s what counts right?!

Well, I am planning on answering Carleys question tommorrow (I swear on my mom....
love you mama) about her puny eyelashes. Ooohh, I have a gooood answer. Your life will never be the same Carley! I'll also show you pictures of our tacklishious Christmas tree that we're planning on decorating tonight. Yeah! But for now? Ta ta my lovelies!

Free Advice Fri-Mondays

2005-12-05T13:06:00.000-05:00

I heard somewhere that advice is best given on Monday. And since the weekend was upon us so suddenly, I thought that most of you wouldn't be able to read it until Monday anyway. That's all the excuses I have. But? On the plus side, I did receive more questions than I could answer this week so look out this upcoming Friday for fabulous, albeit somewhat snarky, comments coming your way. Ho, ho, ho!

Our first lucky contestant is Meridith, from My Blog Can Kick Your Blogs Butt (which may be true becuase the second my little bloggy saw her's coming it ran and hid under my bed....oh wait I don't have a bed).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Free Advice Friday Chick -

I find myself working a job but not making enough money to support my svelte lifestyle. After I dish out over 700 on bills I don't have much more to play with. Also, I don't save one cent!

What do I do?!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Needed Advice on Friday and got it on Monday instead,

Ah. The blessed curse of money. It seems that the more you have the more you spend and the vicious cycle continues until you have spent more than you have and now you need to pay off a frillion dollars in debt. Sound familiar? If not, you're in luck! Now is the time to be financially wise so you can profit later in life (yes, yes, I know that those supple leather Jimmy Choo's won't look as good on your feet when your 60, but really it will be worth it to save for later). So. What do you need to do about this situation?

First you and DH need to sit down and write out a list of your core values. Huh? What? Let me explain. Here are some examples of values we used: security, adventure, marriage, family, health, etc. Now take your seperate lists and compare. If you both have "health" down as an important value, add it to your master list. Once you've compiled the "master" list of 5 sit down and write out a sentence or two explaining goals for each value. Example: Marriage is on the "master" list you two created so you may write out something like "eat a nice dinner together twice a week" or "take 3 mini-vacations each year". After you've completed this sit down and make out another list of where your money is going. Now comes the hard part. You've made your master list of items that are important to both of you so now you need to budget accordingly. Do you really need that $5 latte and muffin every morning? Or how about that $300 sweater that you purchased on a whim? It may not sound like fun and it may take sometime getting used to, but It will be worth it in the long run. Here's something really important to add. You MUST start saving. Max out your 401K in diversified accounts ('specially if theres an employer match cause cha-ching!) and save up at least 3 months of income for emergencies.

See? That wasn't snarky at all. Just good ol' fashioned advice.

Love,

The girl who does makeup but knows a little bit 'bout money as well.

Cha-cha-cha-chaangeees....

2005-12-01T19:03:00.000-05:00

Did y'all know that I just won an award? The coveted "changed jobs the most times in one month" award. You'd think I'd at least get a trophy or something. All I ended up with was a pissed off manager. Where's the joy in that? Seriously. Today I told the store manager that this position wasn't the right "fit" for me. Here's the translation.

Ashlie to boss: Um, this really isn't working our for me. I don't think I'm the right fit for the position. In my head: Who the freak wants to come in on their day off and work 55-60 hour work weeks for A RETAIL CLOTHING POSITION??
Boss: Oh. What do you mean?
Ashlie: I'm just at the point in my life where I need to balance my work and family time better. You know- spend more time with my husband and such. In my head: Dude. The store is in chaos and managers are demanding employees work off the clock. And you? Kind of freak me out with your sheer intensity and the fact that you never blink.
Boss: When is your last day?
Ashlie: Next Thursday. In my head: Next thursday. (look at how nice I am)
Boss: So. You're not even giving us two weeks?!
Ashlie: *says nothing* But? In my head: No superfreak. I am not giving you two weeks. Wanna know why? I haven't even worked here two weeks and I HATE IT.

I guess it was too much to ask for a simple "good luck". (Here comes the anonymous karma commentator). Oh well. The only regrets I have are these: that I have to work with these people in a *supremely* uncomfortable situation for the next two weeks. And? That I haven't purchased any pretty, pretty clothing. But I will be getting one thing that we CAN'T live without. This pretty, pretty rug. (not shown in actual size, although without my discount that would be the only size I could afford.

So my new job starts next Friday. I'm going to fulfill every little girl's dream by working with makeup. I'm even going to be a "certified" makeup artist. Please book me for your wedding, prom, bar-mitzvah or funeral. What? Why are you looking at me like that? You think I'm a flake for quitting a frillion jobs and never being happy with what I have, right? Here's my explanation. I've been waiting for my flight attendant training to start for a year now and worked in escrow for a year. Just because it was my duty to "stick it out". I've always "stuck it out" in jobs. Not doing it anymore. If I'm not happy with what I'm doing - I won't be doing it. It's kind of liberating in fact. Of course you have to take that with a grain of salt, because there will always be something you don't like about your work. But? I just want to do something fun for once. So there.

Hey. Wanna see something crazy? I was being all narcissistic this evening and googled my name. The first website I ever made (from Computers 101 in college) popped up. Wanna see it? Please be prepared to laugh. And to think? I got an A.

Well. As you all may know- tomorrow is "Free Advice Fridays". And? I don't have any questions. From anyone. Wah, wah, wah. So here's what I'm going to offer. To anyone who de-lurks and asks me a question- I'll link your blog to my site. Ooohhh-ahhhh (Hey- I've got a two person connection to Amalah- don't mock). To any old faithfuls who are already linked, I'll shamelessly promote your blog. So hurry up! Friday is only 5 hours away and I can only take two questions (mostly becuase I am lazy).

Chow mes pretties!

Oh and before I go I want all the smokers to come over to my side so I can pat you on the head and tell you that I love you all even if your lungs mock my every word in silent, tar-filled protest. But really? Some of my closest friends are smokers (if those comments were from my friends, I luuuvvv youuuu and sorry for pissing you off). Tra la la and goodnight.

Am such a bad blogger. Bad. Bad. Blogger. Will now make Joel slap my wrist.

2005-11-29T17:57:00.000-05:00

Wow guys, I've been so bad at writing lately. But I swear that I'm not going to blame it on the fact that I ate to much pumpkin cheesecake and traveled through 8 states twice in two days. I'm also not going to use the excuse that I've been doing things like, oh, working until 1am, working on my day's off and putting in 50+ hour work weeks.... Exciting huh! Yeah for me. But enough complaining. I'm lucky to have a job. And even luckier that Joel just got 3 job offers! Pretty soon we'll be a single car, dual income family. I get shivers just thinking about it. In the meantime its all about trying to stretch the $2 in our bank account. But our heat is on, our soup is hot and our love is strong. We can weather any storm (awe-aren't I swweeett).

So our Thanksgiving was awesome! Nothing says Happy Holidays like a snowy New England setting. Just perfect. The food was amazing, but hands down the company was even better. It's always fun to see old friends, especially when they have new members of the family you've never met. Their oldest girl, Meri, is one of those children you debate on kidnapping. She acted like a wee adult with a penchant for the "Bumble" in Rudolph. When we first arrived she led me by the hand into her living room to show me around. Dismayed at the mess she politely asked "Would you please help me pick up the room- its a disaster." She's 2.5 people. Meri's little brother Will is 14 months and cute as a button. He's also impervious to pain. This little guy will FLING himself backwards at any given notice. Its like he's aiming to hit every sharp object in the house. The two of them together were quite a treat. What can I say? Were suckers for playing "Auntie Ashlie" and "Uncle Joel".

So, I'm sure that many of you are wondering where the funny, cynical Ashlie of yesteryear has gone. You're probably thinking that all the smoking on the East Coast has given me second-hand "your no longer funny" syndrome. Cause really? That's what I'm blaming it on. I've never seen SO MANY SMOKERS in my life. Do these people know what there doing to themselves? Have they seen the Phillip Morris ad's saying that smoking is addictive and evil. I mean, HELLO?!?!? If the company that makes the cigarettes say its stupid than what the funk is everyone thinking??!?! Smoking is not only un-healthy people, it's expensive and smells like a mixture of tar and rat poison. Oh wait. That's cause it has tar and rat poison in it. Not to mention the amount of botox you people are going to need to get rid of those "not so fine" lines around your mouth. *steps off her soapbox* Anyway, that's all I have for today. I'm about to see who the Biggest Loser is in a few minutes. But really? Who wants to be the BIGGEST LOSER?!?! "Hi, my names Molly and I'm the biggest loser eveeerrrrrr." Seriously- who's going to go around flaunting that title?

So now that I've offended smokers and losers I'm going to retire to the livingroom to commence the mocking. This is all part of my "offend everyone" campaign. Last week it was people who ride camels. Its a talent I should be grateful for......

p.s. We have a freaking tornado warning! For Baltimore!!! Today. So cool. I knew that natural disasters would follow us over here. Volcano's, earthquakes and now tornadoes? All we need is a hurricane and our collection will be complete.

Gobble, Gobble, Gobble! (couldn't resist)

2005-11-22T21:45:00.000-05:00

LOVE Thanksgiving. Love it. And? This year we're spending it in Boston baby! Just the idea of spending Thanksgiving in New England makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. Warm. and. fuzzy. Throw in some pumpkin cheesecake, turkey and cranberries and now I'm warm, fuzzy and delirious.

Joel and I are leaving tomorrow morning to enjoy this fine holiday with my dear friend Betsy and her family. They have been gracious enough to open up their home (and fridge) to two lonely newlyweds. The last time I saw her was at her wedding in Boston 4 years ago. Now she has two children and another on the way. Can't believe it. Wow. I spoke to little Meri today and could just eat her up! She was so adorable on the phone! She told me that she was 5 (she's 2.5). What a little woman, already lying about her age.

So? Betcha wanna know how work is going right? One word baby. STRESSFUL. Today was such chaos that I was literally one rude customer away from poking my eye out with the nearest pen. Gah! Apparently in the last two years I had completely forgotten the nightmare which is "retail" employment. All retail jobs are the same. Doesn't matter if your selling Prada or the new Jacqueline Smith Collection at Kmart. The same. At least this store is run much better than the last company I worked for (heeellloo- lawsuit!). I've just gotta realize that it takes time to learn the little nuances of each work environment. It'll get better. Right? RIGHT?!!?!
On that note I bring you.....

The Glass IS Half Full List (aka- the blessins be flowin!)

1. Have furniture! We finally purchased those pretty chairs I had as #1 on my Santa list!

2. Today is our 7 month anniversary! Yeah us!

3. Joel made AMAZING stew yesterday. He can cook world!!!

4. I have a job that allows me to work with the things I love. Clothes and clothes.

5. Got a call from my counselor in LA (therapy is the new black) who said that my insurance DID cover the costs of our sessions and she actually owed me $40. She said that she would be kind enough to rip up my check when it arrived. Looks like I saved her the trouble. Kinda never sent the $250 payment that was due like, yesterday.

6. Made new friends off the internet. The BCG girls (Baltimore Cynical Group) are awesome! There are really diverse group of ladies who are engaged or newly(ish) married. I met them at a local Irish pub and had a great time! Can't wait to do it again!

7. Did I mention how amazing my husband is?

8. I have a great (albeit stressful) job that pays the bills.

9. My shopping addiction is officially cured. Day 6 of job and have not even TRIED on a single article of clothing. Paycheck is going to much more important things like #8.

10. The heat is officially back on today! No more popsicle toes!

11. My family may be slightly dysfunctional, but there alllll mine. And I love them.

Its Official Folks!

2005-11-21T17:23:00.000-05:00

In my humble opinion, you're not a REAL blogger until you've had someone "call you out." Well. I've arrived. If you navigate over to my last post's comment section you'll notice a quite well written monologue on my "Joke of the Day...." picture. Being new to blogging and a very sensitive person in the first place, the first thing I did was get upset. Is this someone I know? Did I just offend a frillion people? GAH!!! That is why I have taken a "time-out"to think about my response. It will probably won't be as well written as my "anonymous" comment, but believe me- it'll be honest.

Dear Anonymous Politically Correct Blog Commentator,

Thank you for bringing this crime to my attention. It was never my intention to offend anyone. I assumed that people would laugh at it just like I had with no other thoughts. But? You know what they say about 'ass'umptions. Therefore I would like to apologize to you and any readers I may have alienated. I hope that you will accept this apology and keep on commenting.

With that said, I'd like to bring up how I feel about the "implications" of the "Joke of the Day"... and put it in better context. I don't feel that everyone who rides a camel is on the terrorist career path. Let's break it down even more. I don't feel that because you're of middle eastern descent I need to be afraid. You're another person just like me who deserves to be treated with equal respect and dignity. You should be afforded the same constitutional rights as every man, woman and child in the United States. No if's, ands or buts.

Now a little about where I'm coming from. Even though I was on the opposite side of the country and knew no-one involved I was devastated at 9/11. Two months after the attack I was sitting in Logan International Airport in the SAME terminal and gate as the passengers on American flight 11 and was emotionally overwhelmed. I realized that I could be sitting in the same seat as one of those overtaken passengers and who was to say that it wouldn't happen again? I was crying when I boarded the plane.

Two years later I still made the choice to become a flight attendant. During our training I learned a lot about terrorism. I learned that anyone can be a terrorist, American, European, Asian, Canadian or Middle Easterner. Anyone. And? I also learned about the new form of terrorism- religious terrorism. The only goal religious terrorists have is to kill as many people as they can and make the biggest "impact". They care about nothing else. Not even their own personal safety. How can we protect ourselves against this kind of attack? By (as the Pres would say) being "vigilant" in everything we do. You know what that meant? Everytime a passenger walked onto my plane and during the entire flight I was vigilant in looking for any suspicious activity. Was I wary of the little Hispanic woman? Or the black teenager? The short answer is no. I treated everyone with equal respect and gave all great customer service, but I was instructed to watch all middle-eastern passengers for certain signs of terrorism. Like? Did they stay in the bathroom a long time? How about communicate with another like passenger in the back of the plane in hurried, hushed tones? The point was that racial profiling had been deemed necessary. Unfortunate, but true.
So basically dear reader, this issue extends beyond the "Joke". And? Maybe it was poor taste to post it- but at least you know where I'm coming from.

Sincerely,

Your Favorite Blogger

p.s. Next time? Give me your name please. You know about my rash, its only fair.

So thats that. I realize that this topic is a sensitive issue and I would love to know your experinces and feelings on it. Just be nice. It the holidays for gosh sake!

MESSEGE TO LURKERS: Come out come out wherever you are!!!! The numbers don't lie. There are a lot of you that read and don't comment. You should try it. It's fun. De-Lurking rocks people!

Hypoglycemia suckers.

2005-11-16T16:55:00.000-05:00

Everything has moved at warp speed these last couple days. I got a call from one of the jobs I had applied at and they told me an assistant manager position had opened up (instead of the manager-in-training spot I had originally been offered). And? Great pay peeps. So I jumped on it and quit stinky title job. Basically I walked into the office and said "Big gulps huh? Whelp, see you later..." (Not really, but I envision it more dramatic and resourceful, like quoting Dumb and Dumber...) Then I went home and prepared to wake up at 5:30am the next morning for my 1st day of work at new wonderful job. See? I waste no time. I'm all about quitting crappy jobs and starting new better jobs asap so I can get me some furniture.

You wanna know where I work don't you? That I cannot tell you. For fear of being dooced or stalked by some crazy. But? There's nothing in the rulebook that says you can't guess. Here's some hints. Its a high-end clothing store. With furniture stuff. Pretty stuff. Expensive, vintagey stuff. Lots of lace and silk, candles and lamps. Pretty colors, even prettier textures and a very helpful staff who does not work on commission. Some of the staff even can afford to wear clothing from the aforementioned store. Others of the staff just drool. And then frantically wipe the drool off the $300 black silk dress and hope no one saw.

My first day at the job was pretty much ordinary. You know? Having to lay down on the floor for the first two hours because everytime you stand up you feel like your going to pass out. What? That's not ordinary you say? At first I thought it was nerves (aka: panic attack), but I then realized that I wasn't nervous or panicked about anything and it was my freaking low blood sugar and low blood pressure kickin the crap out of me. This is pretty much how it went.

First time
Ashlie's boss: "Um, are you okay?"
Ashlie: "Yup. Just like the ceiling and all. Verrrry fashionable."
Second time
Ashlie's boss: "Are ya nervous? Diabetic? (aka: what is freaking wrong with you?!)"
Ashlie: "Nope. Just my dang hypoglycemia. And? If you don't get me a bagel and a glass of orange juice stat I'm going to pass out and hit my head on this corner and sue. That is all."
Ashlie: "Did you hear me??? Run faster! I could be bleeding profusely from the head in a matter of moments."

For serious people. I am a fainter. Not the cute Victorian lady who clutches at her chest then passes out on the nearest chaise lounge. I am an all out "hey where's the most embarrassing place I can faint" kind of gal. Like in my college Kineseology class in front of 75 students. Or? In the hairdressers chair with one half of my head layered and my ear barely missing the sharp scissors of death as I went down like a rock. It sucks. Thats all I have to say. The actual fainting part is induced by hypoglycemia, which I've tried to take care of diligently. Like? That morning I felt kind of sick so decided to forgo my usual oatmeal or raisin-bran for a protein shake. I thought that would get me through. Apparantly not. After surviving the morning laying on various dirty floors (the office, the cashwrap, the BATHROOM etc,.) at new wonderful job that now thinks I'm crazy and then having to endure Steel Magnolia quotes in crappy fake Southern accents for the rest of the day I came home freaking exhausted with a killer headache. So? Thanks hypoglycemia for ruining a perfectly good first day of work. I curse thee. I made it through today (2nd day) by fortifying myself with oatmeal this morning. The only thing I had to worry about was my sandals trying to sever my baby toe from the rest of my foot. Ouch. Am starting to remember that- shoes you wear to the office are not the same shoes you wear walking around ALL DAY LONG. Am so stupid. By tomorrow I hope to have conquered all infirmnites. Or? Die trying.

p.s. I met complete (almost) strangers at a Irish pub last night OFF THE INTERNET. And?Lived to tell about it. More about that latter.....

Crappy day beware!

2005-11-15T12:29:00.000-05:00

THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe

10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Here's to ya!

This is the part where I hide my head in shame.

2005-11-15T09:19:00.000-05:00

Woops. Am totally dyslexic. Yesterday the number I threw out for Bmore's murder rate during my "rant 'n rave" session was off by a wee bit. There have only been 225 murders in Baltimore this year, not the 600 that I made up for some unknown reason. Although I blame it on breathing noxious fumes at Sucky Job that I am Quitting Today from Mr. Farty McBurperson.

So? Put down the stones while I slowly back away....

p.s. Thanks to my fellow Baltimorian tgf for bringing it to my attention. And? For having such a funny site. hehehe.

All I want for Christmas....(hint: not my two front teeth).

2005-11-14T14:13:00.000-05:00

Remember a few weeks ago when I was all "Look at me planning on buying a whole new wardrobe of new fancy-smancy clothes and such." Ha-frickidy-ha. Now I'm all like "Avert your eyes from my outfits which date back to high school and ignore the fact that I feel the need to argue with the Safeway check-out-lady over $1.50 for pizza dough because actual pizza is too expensive." I swear I'm turning into one of those penny pinching people I used to think were crazy. Before you know it I'll be counting out toilet paper squares and limiting myself to only TWO scoops of hot chocolate (when we all know that it takes at least 4 to make it adequately chocolatey). Oh and furniture? Ha. You've seen our bed (ie: airmattress) and table (ie: propped on top of box without chairs). We're living the life I tell ya!

But? There are some positives that have come out of this "transition period." Such as: Learning to make some of our moms' delish recipes (all involving a crockpot- babysteps people, babysteps), mastering the art of sleeping like pretzels to maintain body heat and finding out that a Nalgene water bottle keeps water hot for HOURS and works great to warm up your popsicle fingers after living in an apartment with no heat. Yeah that. Still don't have heat. There was one glorious day last week that I woke up and singed my fingers on the radiator. But since then, no luck. Just cold, lots and lots of bitter cold. *everyone in Baltimore now proceeds to mock the poor, widdle Los Angeles girl*

So this year for Christmas I only want a few things. A few important things. That way when Joel and I are spending Christmas BY OURSELVES IN A NEW, COLD CITY WITH OVER 600 MURDERS THIS YEAR ALONE we'll be able to enjoy it. *everyone who previously mocked now tears up because it's our first Christmas without our families and since my grandpa passed away*

1. Heat (So we don't die. I know, I know- shootin' for the stars...)
2. Furniture *
3. Repeat 1 & 2 (But feel free to throw in anything else. Because? Squeee! I love presents!!!)

* What kind of furniture do we want, you ask? Well I'll-be-darned let me show you the exact pieces that we plan on buying...

In Order of Importance

1. Somewhere to rest our weary bums.

2. Something to sleep on that doesn't make weird crunching sounds everytime you roll-over. And is more than 8 inches off the floor.

3. An area "especially" for Joel's frillion biology and science textbooks. And make sure not to forget the whole collection of Stephen Kings! Right now they are holding up our tabletop so I'm sure they would appreciate a more "loving" home.

4. Let me put this in one sentence. One closet for two people who love clothing. 'Nough said. 5. Someplace to put our TV other than precariously balanced on Joel's subwoofer/stepstool.

And there you have it folks. All I want for Christmas is a whole livingroom and bedroom set. Is that too much to ask for?

Santa- if you're reading this please know that Joel and I have been VERY, VERY good this year.

Dear Internet,

2005-11-13T20:22:00.000-05:00

I'd like to introduce you to a very, very special little girl. She's only 5 months old in her mommys tummy. (NOT MY TUMMY. DON'T GIVE JOEL A HEART ATTACK!)

This is my best friend Julie's little girl. Isn't she beautiful? I'm really sad that I'm not able to attend her baby shower or get to touch her cute little belly. But? Thank goodness for cellphones and the internet. Now I can see all the cuteness all the time.

So ya'll sent some name ideas, but not enough. So bring it on peeps! Here's some inspiration. And? How flexible is this baby. If you look hard enough, you'll notice that her foot is wrapped around her head by her ear. Last time I checked that was not possible.

Watching them pick a bird out of a guy's back on "Greys Anatomy" (don't ask). Must go. And you? Must send more names. Do it. Or? I will pick out your name and single handedly mock it. Over and over and over again.

p.s. Was offered stellar job today. The pay is only a little less than what I make now, but not having to deal with Mr. Light My Farts On Fire In The Office Man? Priceless.....

I've been memed!!!

2005-11-11T10:57:00.000-05:00

Due to my ever-present case of the new city blues my best internet buddy Isabel sent me a meme. A fancy way for me to shut my mouth, count my blessings and remember just how far I've come....

5 Things

10 years ago - I was a freshman (in high school) and started my first year of cheerleading.
8 years ago - I was a junior and subsequently disillusioned with my small private school and had been kicked out of cheerleading. But? Lucky for me. I met this amazing guy named Joel.
4-7 years ago - Dating Joel and trying to figure out what the heck I want to do with my life.

2 years ago - In my last quarter of college with my first career prospect on the horizon.
Now - Living on the east coast with my amazing husband smack dab in the middle of fear, excitement and joy.

Five yummy things:

1) Chips 'n Salsa and a Margerita.
2) GEWURTZTRAMINER
3) Everything pizza with green olives and garlic
4) Pumpkin pie, pumpkin shakes, pumpkin lattes, pumpkin cookies....
5) Home cooking our moms recipes toghether....

Five songs I know by heart:

1) Let It Be (The Beatles)
2) Baby Got Back (Sir Mix Alot)
3) Paint it Black (Rolling Stones)
4) The Sweater Song (Weezer)
5) "Jesus Loves Me this I know..".

Five things I would do with a lot of money:

1) Build an amazing Tudor/colonial home on 20 acres with a stream/river.
2) Buy Joel an amazing guitar and new wardrobe
3) Buy myself a new wardrobe
4) Travel like crazy....

5) Invest in our future (and for the chillen's college)

Five places I would to escape to:

1) Kailua, Oahu: Treetop studio (where we stayed during our Honeymoon).
2) Spokane, Washington (visit my friends and family)
3) Europe (backpacking tour for at least 6wks)
4) New Zealand
5) Yosemite; for another amazing camping trip

Five things I would never wear:

1) Thigh-high boots.
2) Scrunchy
3) Sweaters with big crazy patterns (like teddy bears)
4) Jewelry that lights up
5) Thong swimsuit

Five favorite TV shows:

1) "Gilmore Girls"
2) "Grey’s Anatomy"
3) "Alias"

4) "Lost"
5) "Apprentice"

Five things I enjoy doing:

1) Anything with Joel
2) Sitting around and chatting with friends and family over a hot cup of tea.

3) Traveling to new and familiar places
4) Daydreaming and planning

5) Curling up with a good book on a chilly day.

Five Favorite toys:

1) Joel
2) Cell phone (sad, but true)

3) Laptop

4) MP3 player for running
5) My baby Jeepster

Five people who get this meme:

1) Paige (my BCG girl)
2) Mama c-ta
3) For Joke
4) Anna-Banana

5) The infamous Texas Lady

Covert blogging operation at new job.

2005-11-10T12:43:00.000-05:00

Actually? I'm on my lunch break. But still. I'm sure I tottallly freaked y'all out with my rash story and now you'll never come back because you're afraid it'll crawl through your computer screen and getcha. Bwahhhahahaha...

Anyhoo- there is this SICK guy at my work. He burps like crazy. Like an out of control 3rd grader who just learned to fart with his armpit. Louder and LOUDer and LOUDER. Its like a contest with himself. He even downloads tracks off the internet which are? You guessed. Burping and farting (which I've heard he also has a talent for) noises. I mean, come on dude. Your like 40 years old and have shoulder length hair. With bangs. Ew, I just got shivers from that. So gross. If I get stuck next to this guy I will pitch a fit. Apparently he's also famous for making 'sexual' comments. Let me tell ya. If that crazy old man gets anywhere near me and says anything remotely 'sexual' I will tell him to keep it coming cause mama needs a new house baby!
One of my old buds sent me this email and I thought I'd share it with ya. It's pretty funny although I may not agree with the last part.... I think....

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the
tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men....

Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the *(insert your own word here)* out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Finally- That DANG Rash!

2005-11-09T21:33:00.000-05:00

So for about a month now I've had this rash. In a rather odd spot. It started out on my left hip bone and eventually made it to the right. Right around the bone. In a little circle. Scratchy McScratcherson. It has no color or anything, it just itches like the devil. Joel HATES it when I itch. He freaks out and yells everytime I start. We'll be laying in bed and I'll just take a little itch before sleep and he'll SENSE that I'm itching and yell at me to stop. But I can't! It feels so good. Like itch heroin or something. What is this? Stress? Scary bug things that will make me lose all the sleep I've earned after this long, hard first day of work? Someone please tell me. So I can stop the itch.

Okey Dokey- here's a quick synopsis of what I would usually spend many, many paragraphs on but am alas to tired to dwell.

1. First day of work. Odd. It's at a title company = boring. And? There's a guy that looks like Howard Stern (unfortunately acts like him as well). On the plus side I do have my own computer with unlimited internet access. Which? We all know is worth its weight in gold.... We'll see if I decide to stay.

2. Bought the paint after a 5 minute decision in the Home Depot aisle. Spent the rest of the week thinking "oh crap. Peach color walls..." That was followed by the actual painting and "ooohhh, me like!" Dear Reader: Glidden Paint, color = Peach?

3. The funny part of my "ghetto" stories is that we live in one of the nicest areas in Baltimore. Uber expensive, very, very nice. But? A few blocks away you run into scary transvestites on the way to church.

4. We went to a amazing, beautiful Baptist church on Sunday. Although we both enjoyed the service, it was a little to liturgical/traditional for our taste. We're slightly more Pentecostal. Somewhere between singing Hallelujah and speaking in tongues. If anyone in and/or from Baltimore knows of an amazing church please let me know! We'd also like a church with a strong career/family group. So important.

5. Geez Lorelei and Rory makeup already! Gilmore Girls = best show ever. Naming our firstborn Rory (don't you dare take that one Julie).

6. Dude. They killed off Shannon. And I was just starting to like her. Dumb Lost.

To tired now. Must sleep.

Romantic dinners and scary rashes.

2005-11-08T19:26:00.000-05:00

We tried another recipe today and it turned out great! It didn't start out with such finesse though. Since were on a "budget" my mom suggested we buy a whole chicken for our chicken noodle soup. Oy. Never cleaned and skinned a chicken before. It definitely required Joel's participation. Between the intermit gagging and making the poor little chicken do floor aerobics the task was accomplished.

This picture does not do justice to the grossness. Believe me- it way ewwwwww. Would I do it again? Maybe. Have you seen how expensive boneless skinless chicken boobs are?
Anyway. I wanted to make it kind of a romantic meal for my hubby. He deserves it after putting up with my antics these last few weeks. I put on my thinking cap and tried my best to come up with something cute. It was more difficult than expected. But? This is what I came up with. *You can't see it in the picture but the table top is sitting on a crooked box that I propped up with AAA guide book for the Mid-Atlantic. Genius I tell you.*

COT (Change of Topic). Does anyone else freak out when those lame Victoria's Secret commercials come on when your boyfriend/hubby is in the room? Stupid Gisele flaunting her perfectly taut abs. You know what I do? Look at Joel. That's his cue to look deep into my eyes and DONT YOU DARE LOOK AT GISELES BOUNCING CHEST. Works every time.

COT again. I wanted to thank everyone for their name ideas!! Please keep 'em coming! I'll let you know when we get a winner. See how confident I am that one of MY readers will pick the chosen name? See? You are the best.

Arrggg. I just lost the last half of this post. Hate. HATE. Now I'm to tired to finish, 'tis very late and tomorrow is the first day of the job that I don’t want. But? It’s a job, so I can’t complain. I wanted to answer some of your questions but that'll have to wait till tomorrow. Sorry peeps. But? Love y'all...

p.s. I didn't even get to tell you about my crappy rash. Don't fret. I'll get to it.

Recipe for the cold, broke and fabulous....

2005-11-07T19:50:00.000-05:00

Cold and broke optional.

Being broke sucks. But luckily for us we have great mothers who have great recipes for cheap, long-lasting hearty meals. Here's the first one we made and have subsequently eaten for three days in a row.....

Leesa Ewen's Fabulous Taco Soup

Ingredients (makes enough for a small circus minus the clowns)

- 2lbs lean ground beef -1 chopped onion

-1 small can Ortega's green chilies -1 cube beef bouillon

- 1 can Rotel stewed Mexican tomatoes -3 cans regular stewed tomatoes (16 oz each)

-1 can pinto beans -1 can kidney beans

-1/2 bag frozen corn -1 tsp salt

-1/2 teaspoon pepper -1 packet (each) of taco seasoning and ranch

How To Make:

Brown beef and chopped onion in skillet. Drain (this is the only item to be drained).

Add all ingredients into big pan. Heat.

How to Eat:

We prefer to eat it liberally with saltines. Another option is chips 'n salsa. Any way you scoop it 'tis yummy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today we finished paintin' the place. Yeah for the yellowey-orange livingroom! Here are the prereq. before and after pics....

Before

Afta!

Pretty, huh? Before I go to bed (in about 5 minutes) I'll give you the lowdown of what's been shakin in my 'hood.

1. Walked past a man carrying (and flailing it around creepily...) a 15-foot leather whip.

2. Took out trash in dark alley beside house. Ran into rat the size of TWO footballs. Rat did not scamper like normal rodent- rat loped away like horse or small dog.

3. On the way to church drove past crazy black transvestite man. After slapping his booty and doing a little shake he winked at my husband.

4. Finally saw into the building next door. Big dark room filled with at least a dozen dead stuffed animals. Nothing like getting out of the car to have a monster of a bear staring at you.

5. Went to scary laundromat. Spent way too much money AND Joel beat me at Scrabble. Bah.

6. One of my BFF called to tell me she's having a baby.....GIRL! Yeah for Julie!!!!

That brings me to my first reader challenge..... NAME JULIE'S BABY! Everyone, please email or comment with name ideas for Julie's baby. Nothing too crazy, but definitely no plain Jane (I apologize if your name is Jane). If your name is picked you win the grand prize! What is the prize? Drumroll please..... knowing that the name YOU chose will follow around a little girl for the rest of her life. How 'bout dem apples?

Score one for anxiety and emotional instability.

2005-11-06T21:46:00.000-05:00

I am suddenly feeling very forlorn and far away from friends and family. Who needs air with all the stress filling my body? Let me unload on you. Applied at three jobs, was offered the first one I didn't want. Accepted because? I have no money. No money = no food, clothing, shelter, furniture. Am dreading going to work on Wednesday to a job I really don't want. But job number 2 and 3 haven't officially even offered me a position yet. And? The kicker is that job number 1 pays a lot more than 2 or 3. Lets elaborate on my sorrows a little bit more. Apartment is nice, but have no heat or furniture. Walk around like little popsicle and eat, sleep or sit on our full size air mattress because we have no jobs = no furniture. Floor is pretty but floor is cold. Am always cold. Cry during Extreme Makeover Home Edition. Jobs, where are you? How 'bout you friends? Furniture? Flight attendant training that was supposed to start months ago so I wouldn't have to go through this crappy job hunting dance over and over again? Free advice Friday questions???? Huh, huh?!?! Bah.

Okay. Well I guess I shouldn't dwell on the negative. Glass is half full. Sun is shining. Life if good. Room is blue. Wanna see? Here are the much anticipated before and after pics of our new bedroom. Minus heat and furniture.

Before

After

(notice the bed/table/sofa/air mattress on the floor)

p.s. don't ask me why I applied to a job I didn't want.

p.s.s. Don't ask me about anything on this post or I will cry. Unless it's where to find the stunning color of blue for your walls.

p.s.s.s. Oh ya- the steak knife in eye story. Here's the just. Julia's dad was unloading dishes in the dark and bent down to far. He stood up and it was sticking straight out of his... i'll let you fill in the blanks.

p.s.s.s.s. Don't get me wrong- I really am liking Bmore!

p.s.s.s.s.s. This p.s. thing is getting annoying, huh?

The blue light district of death.

2005-11-05T18:04:00.000-05:00

Today Joel and I went exploring. After being trapped in our apartment trying to unload all of our junk and make it look pretty, we had to escape. We also wanted to check out the surrounding areas to get an idea of where we want to purchase our first home. Yeah!!
In Baltimore there is no such thing as the "good side" of town. The bad and the good seem to bleed into one another. One side of a block can be expensive yuppie housing while the next is boarded up shells with signs proclaiming "fight the slumlords." Its kinda like those Harry Potter every flavor jelly beans, one minute your eating cotton-candy and before you know it you've just chomped down on bugger, vomit or grass. Or in this case; slums, prostitutes and drug lords. Possibly all three if you're lucky.
Basically that's what happened to us today. After making it completely around town we decided to come home on Park Heights Ave. It a part of the enchanting local Jewish community. The yards were covered with hoards of little kids running around in yarmulkes and older men with long beards, furry hats and robes that looked like dresses were also out and about. They were greeting eachother with gusto on the sidewalks of their meticulously maintained Victorian homes. It looked like a great place to live. But? Nary a mile or so out of our beloved Jewish community was the ghetto. The g-h-e-t-t-o. Complete with burned out shells, bums knocking on car windows, prostitutes walking around in last years baby blue uggs and a frillion fried chicken joints interspersed with bail bondsmen. The topper to this great lil' area was the flashing blue police lights on every other corner. I'd never heard or seen of these before Bmore. Apparently in places riddled with crime (yes, Baltimore is RIDDLED with crime. Example: population 600k- already 225 murders this year) the police set up these lights on the worst corners. They're fully equipped with 24 hr. Surveillance video which is constantly monitored. Cheaper than a cop and more effective according to our golden-boy major (whom I dearly love although he is a democrat.....).
It was kinda scary driving through this area at dusk. I've never seen so many people just "hanging out" on corners, stairs and in the middle of the street. We literally had to dodge some sketchy pedestrians who were weaving down the middle of the road.

Tomorrow I'll show you before/after pics of our *new* apartment. I'll also fill you in on life in the Mt. Vernon/"the heart of the gay community" and our new jobs prospects....

p.s. Mount Vernon may be rubbing off on Joel. He's getting ready to take a bath after watching the"Antique Roadshow". We are such dorks....

I'm Baaackk....

2005-11-04T20:37:00.000-05:00

And I've already lost this post twice due to sketchy internet syndrome. Anyhoo, let me start where I left off. Ate steak at Joe Allens. Was good. Was great. Was the best steak to ever touch my lips. Ambiance? Meh. But aged beef cooked in wood oven smokey goodness? Perfection. 4 star masterpiece. If you're ever in Abilene, TX stop at Joe's and tell 'em Ashlie sent ya. Then go visit our friends Robert and Julia. They may be the second cutest couple in the world (after Joel and I- of course). And so entertaining. Let me tell you a couple tips I learned from this dynamic Texas duo.

1. Don't ever unload your dishes in the dark. Four words. Steak knife in eye.
2. If you are the youngest girl in the family of boys don't stick your finger anywhere near door hinges. You may end up holding it (in your other hand) in the emergency room for 3 hours.
3. Anson lights, folks. Scary stuff. I wanted to go see it for myself but alas no-one would go with me. Very disappointing.

They're a very entertaining couple. And? Julia puts me to shame. I felt like I deserved a "Substandard Wife" award when I was done (no offense to you Julia, you're perfect -of course). This southern belle cooks (edible food), cleans, sews (she made her friend's halloween costume 2 years in a row), decorates, works two jobs and is a natural blonde. And of course she's as loveable as homemade apple pie. Here's a pic of the lady who deserved the "Perfect Wife" award.

Here's a pic of their wedding (where Joel was the best man).

Thanks Robert, Julia, Bernie and Carol for providing such a enjoyable, relaxing time in Texas and for putting up with Joel and I. Your state may be big, but believe me- your hearts are even bigger.

Tommorrow I'll fill you in on life after Abilene. Promise.

Am. So. Tired. Day 3-5: Abilene, TX

2005-10-27T17:04:00.000-05:00

Moving sucks. I am so sick of driving (even though I haven't actually drove a mile- thanks babe). My legs hate me in a way that I didn't think was possible. When I go to sit down they get all crazy and think we're going on another 10 hour drive. Then they rebel with twitching, a painful numbing sensation and my knees say "screw you" and refuse to bend.

The good thing though is that we're staying with some really great people. Joel grew up here in Abiliene and his best friend and wife also grew up here. We've been having a great time- tonight were going to a "steak-house". I say this with ahh and reverance. This is the steakhouse that ate the other steakhouses. This is how God intended steaks to live. Being only a minor fan of red-meat (please don't tell, lest I be shot) I'll let you know what my real opinion is later....

Oh ya- 'member how I talked about Texas having BIG storms? I woke up to the HUGEST peal of thunder I have ever heard. Joel rolled over and went back to sleep with a "mumble, mumble, mumble not that loud" comment. Geez. It was pretty cool. I love Texas storms.
On that note, I leave you with a link to brighten your day. Only click on this if you are prepared for something that transcends humor. Really? Would I lie?

p.s. Just re-read blog and now feel that I have written completely incoherent crap. But? Will be let off hook because- look at title. Title trumps all.

Day 1 & 2: Made it to Phoenix. Chillin in the sun.

2005-10-24T19:19:00.000-05:00

First, here's a picture of my (okay, so maybe Joel helped a little...) awesome packing job!

I have a love/hate relationship with Phoenix. When you're driving into the city all you see is blah. Houses are the same color as the ground, which are the same color as the mountains, which are the same color as every other freakin thing around. There's a little town right outside of Phoenix called "Surprise". I really think they should have named it "Surprise: You moved to the crappiest place in the United States, unless your favorite color is khaki and then you don't deserve to live anywhere nicer." So there's the hate. Oh wait-there's more; I forgot to add that every single time I've been here it's been about 3,000 degrees and NEVER have I had AC in the car. And you know what that means...nasty butt-sweat (don't give me that look- you know what I'm talking about). Okay, so now I'm really done with the hate. Here's the love part. Almost every home is like its own little oasis. My friend's home is amazing! It's always cool and has a huge pool with cute little lights and a waterfall. To top that off there are huge palm trees with cute little birds twittering about. And? You don't even know that the neighbors are around because there's a huge fence. I could spend the rest of my life in her backyard.

So obviously, I spent almost the whole day near the pool. Drinking water, reading magazines and thoroughly frying my skin. I still have a few tan lines from previously wrinkle hatching, so I thought I'd even it up a bit. So I went all bohemian and took off my swimsuit top. No-one was around except Joel and the pups so I felt okay. Then nature called. I hopped up and went to the restroom just to hear my phone ring. Crap. I completely forgot that I had a phone interview at noon! So? I did the interview topless. And aced it. Hmmm.... maybe I'm onto something.

Weelll, gonna go to bed. Talk to y'all in Texas!!

Ashlie: Woman, Wife, Professional Mover.

2005-10-22T22:38:00.000-05:00

Holy cow. Today was exhausting. But? We did good. We did really good. We paid for 5 ft of space in our moving truck and only used 3. We shaved off a whole 2 ft!!! That means a $400 refund! Basically we played a really intense game of Tetris by stacking all of our earthly possessions into a 3x8x8 space. Thats right- everything we own fits into 192 cubic ft. I have pictures, but they'll have to wait since I'm not quite sure where the camera went in the madness. One thing I am sure of though is that I only have 1 pr Jeans and 1 pr pants for 2 weeks. Crap. Didn't really think about the whole "job interview" thing. Pretty sure my flip-flops aren't gonna cut it. So? What choice do I have other than buying new clothes? None. Joel agrees.

Last night I purged the kitchen (if you can call it that). I felt so bad. I threw out my weight in perfectly good food. I could have fed 3 familes in a third world country for a month with all the crap that's now sitting peacefully in the garbage. But really, what was I supposed to do? Walk over to my little, old, crazy Asian neighbor and knock on her door? I imagine the conversation would go something like this:

Me: "Um, hi. I'm moving and I have a ton of food I can't take. Would you like any? How about this wonderful barbeque sauce from Trader Joe's? It really goes good with chicken."
Little Asian neighbor: "No. No want yoo ol foo."
Me: "Um. Are you sure? Cause I have some really yummy stuff. Although most of its low-carb, because you know, the whole Atkins thing. I fell for it too. But lots of the stuff isn't even opened!"
Little Asian neighbor: "No no Athkin. We no wan yo charitee. Go way now."
Me: "You sure?"
Little Asian neighbor: *slams door*
Me: *hears cat hissing in background and realizes she already has dinner plans....*

So now you why I threw out all the food. Oh, and by the way, today was our 6 month anniversary. We really know how to celebrate, don't we?? You know, waking up at the crack of dawn and showing your love and appreciation by lifting hundreds of pounds over and over again. Then? Treating ourselves to pizza, because really, nothing says "I love you" like Papa Guido's! As long as we don't repeat this one on our 1st anniversary, I'll be okay.
So, since today is a big day for us why don't you check out our link and take a peek at the wedding pictures. Just avert your eyes from the scary side-cleavage. What can I say? It wasn't a church dress..... (here's a pic for your visual entertainment-the infamous cake smack-down).

I'm not sure when I'll be able to update next, I'm hoping to give you the whole run-down of our "road trip" at various points. Our first stop is Phoenix! Until then- keep on being your cool selves (unlike me who will be in 100 degree weather).....

Free Advice Fridays....v.2

2005-10-21T12:23:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the 2nd edition of Ashlie's "Free Advice Fridays!" where I tell it like it is and act like an all around smart-aleck (and sometimes channel Bob, from The Price is Right....). My first contestant for the day is Isabel, who hails from sunny (10 days a year) Seattle. Hit it Isabel!

question time question time question time question time question time

Ashlie:

I could use some advice on how to find clothes that will fit me (and not break the bank) in this "in between" stage of my pregnancy....since we're still trying to hide it and that's getting really hard with this ever growing bebe in my belly!!

Hope your week is good-and your new hair looks fabulous!!! :-)

Isabel

question time question time question time question time question time

Dearest Isabel,

My hair asked me to tell you thanks. It would have told you itself but alas, it's to busy prancing around showing off its new shiny blonde waves. Silly hair.

Any-hoo. Congratulations on the bebe. I am envious. Babies are sweet little bundles of joy..... Now back to the important part. Clothes. There are so many options in maternity wear these days. You can "hide" the belly or flaunt it like some (unnamed) Hollywood starlets... But? The real question is where do you find the clothing that will keep you and bebe stylish without needing to take out a second mortgage.

Do you want the good news or the bad news first? Alright, lets start with the bad news. There is no bad news! Woot woot! Its all good news for the pregnant ingénue of 2005. Bebe and mom can look stylish with outfits from Old Navy and Target.

That's right folks, the places that we love to hate supply comfortable, stylish and great for the budget looks. Typically, I wouldn't recommend these places for a long-lasting classic wardrobe, but? Unless your mormon and plan on eternal pregnancy it should fit your budget and keep you stylishly clothed for months. Here's some of my favorite looks from Old Navy.

How cute is that pink blazer? And? It's $44.50. These outfits not only work for weekday through weekend, but maybe also, I don't know.... a trip to Europe? Yes everyone, pregnant Isabel is spending Thanksgiving in Europe. Lucky Isabel, lucky bebe.

My last piece of advice is to get a *nice* pair of maternity jeans with a big stretch band around the middle. These should accommodate you throughout your entire pregnancy (that is, if you aren't having triplets).

Wishing that you'd eat some turkey in Prague for me,

Ashlie

p.s. If you want to see how the "other half" does pregnancy visit celebrity babies....

A party for Ashlie! Yeah!

2005-10-20T21:14:00.000-05:00

Today was my second to last day of work. Yeah! And? They threw me a party! I'm still not quite sure if it was a party to say "bon voyage" or "good riddance" or maybe a little of both. All I know is there was cake. Lots and lots of cake. Strawberry cake and chocolate cake. The kind with the yummy frosting. And? Wine. Lots and lots of wine. I may have indulged in a glass or two. Am. such. a. lightweight. I really only drank about 6 oz. of vaguely cheap "this is all we wanted to spend on your sorry butt" wine and I'm in a very, very happy place right now. I'm vacillating between tired and hyper. But? Mostly just fascinated with singing Christmas carols. And trying to tap dance at the same time. Joy to the world.

So the party was fun and the stranger count was only four. What's a stranger count you say? Its when you work in a small office connected to a BIG office and a going-away party (with food) is advertised. There were four people I didn't know. I'm not even sure if they knew who "Ashlie" was. They just wanted my cake. And for that I resent their freeloading, cake stealing, wine drinking faces.

Did I mention there was cheese?

Updates ya'll!

2005-10-20T13:34:00.000-05:00

I have lovingly decided to make my blog more "user" friendly by installing an easier notification tool (that actually works) and a new photo album. Feel free to take a peek and leave comments (only if they're about how love-elyyy I am)!

An ode to immaturity and ghetto-ness

2005-10-19T22:35:00.000-05:00

What do you do when you're lying in about 8 inches of bathwater that's at best, tepid? You create a scathing song in your head that reflects the hatred you feel towards your apartment and its evil bathtub spout of ice. Feel free to sing along.

(To the tune of Bonnie Tyler's "Holding out for a hero" as seen in such timeless classics as Shrek and Footloose....)

Where has all the hot water gone
And why is there no soap?
Where’s the scalding sensation
That I long to gingerly touch with my toe?

Is there a knob that can make this hot water go?
Late at night I toss and I turn and I dream of what I need

I need some hot water
I'm holding out for hot water 'till the end of the night
It's gotta be scalding
And I want to get clean
And I'm gonna sue my apartment tonight

I need some hot water
I’m holding out for some hot water 'till the morning light
I've gotta get clean
And it’s gotta be soon
Or my hair will be larger than life
Larger than life .....

So I'm sitting in the freezing bathtub curled up in one corner when Joel peeks his head in. All I could do was shoot a pitiful look at squeak "vvvveeery ccccooolld hhhoooneeyy" through my chattering teeth. He gave me an appraising look and turned around. About 5 minutes later he walked back in with hot water and kept it coming. Aw! Isn't he the best? It ended up being the best bath I've had in months. No thanks to the apartment who charges us a frillion dollars a month for water that we don't even get to use. Apparently they have some law against hot water past 6pm. Meh.

Okay. Now I'm going to finish watching lost. Yea for lost! I'm starting the I love Hurley fan club next week....

Subject: Australia (Read: freaking hilarious wet your pants kinda fun)

2005-10-18T17:25:00.000-05:00

What do you do when you're training a replacement at work, trying to move and maintain your sanity? Put jokes in your blog. This one if for my Australian friend. I love Aussies. Freaking funny Aussies with their koala bears and g'day mates...... So break out your Depends and enjoy!

The questions below, about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross,
straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)

A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

I'm a wee bit sad...

2005-10-17T17:59:00.000-05:00

Venice Beach is crrraaazzy people! I'm talking one-arm midgets on skateboards and men wearing speedo's with snakes wrapped around them while throwing flaming knives. You think I'm joking, right? I'm not. It's like the circus was in town and all their freaks escaped. Including the bearded woman (ew, I'm mean aren't I?).... Here's one of my faves, his name is Harry Perry. He actually sang me a song on sunset blvd. around 2 a.m. And? I have the tee-shirt to prove it. But that's a whole 'nother story.

Any-hoo. We were actually looking for this guy who sells amazing paintings in a homemade kiosk. But? It was raining and painter guy was nowhere to be seen. So we settled on cappucino and clam chowder at the Waterfront Cafe. Afterwards decided to take a little drive in the rain down PCH. We ended up in Malibu. I've never been to Malibu. I want to move to Malibu. I want to have Malibus babies. Love. Malibu.

After oggling all the frillion dollar houses we pulled into a parking lot and Joel suggested a walk on the beach. I, of course, agreed to this romantic notion. I then realized that my stilettos were no match for the rocky path of death that led straight down to the sand. Piggyback time! I now realize that piggybacking is quite dangerous headed downhill next to large, sharp cliffs. Life flashing before eyes!

The beach was practically deserted as we wandered around picking up starfish, sea-shells and poked some squishy things (sea cucumbers?). It was fun watching them try to suck on to your finger. Then we petted the starfish and told them how pretty they were (no joke- I made Joel talk to the starfish). The best part though was staring at every person who walked by to see if they were a celebrity. Our conversations went a little like this:

Me: "Is that Jennifer Aniston, Joel?"

Joel: "No Ashlie, that's a man."

Me: "oh."

It was then that I realized I'm going to be sad leaving this place. It really has so much to offer. Ah well. At least I'm really excited to live in Baltimore (although the natives keep on asking me why which is kinda scary).

So in the end all I have to say is - Los Angeles you will be missed. Keep on being your sunny self.

See? I wasn't lying

2005-10-16T12:43:00.000-05:00

It really is blonder! Now you'll have to excuse me, 'cause were heading to Venice and Malibu. Hehe. Best weekend ever.

p.s. Keep your eyes on the hair and try not to focus on the background.

p.s.s Were moving. Cut us some slack. Just don't invite us to visit...

The perfect way to spend a Saturday.

2005-10-16T00:02:00.000-05:00

Where do I start? Today was magical. Wonderfully magical. It started with a *great* haircut and color, followed by a some Coach and ended up with my friends Haagen-Dazs. La-de-da. It was so great I actually enjoyed working for 4.5 hours on a Saturday. Overtime baby. Cha-ching! Not to mention, how often do you get to rock out at work to the Rollingstones, Dylan and Crystal Method? You should see my patented at the desk dance moves.

Any-hoo. I had a 1pm apt to get my hair done at this place I've been going for about a year. I got there 30 minutes early. Props to me. Then I wait. And wait. After about 20 minutes someone finally lets me know that Faye doesn't actually work there anymore. Wha? So I ring her up and ha-ha jokes on me. She forgot to tell me that she moved. Waste of gas people, waste of gas....

I didn't have anything too drastic done, some blond highlights and fun side-sweepy bangs. For your viewing pleasure I've decided to add some "before" and "after" pics.

BEFORE (notice the pre-requisite sad face?)

AFTER

Okay, I'm now actually looking at the pictures and they look the same. I swear I'm not lying! My hair really does have blonde highlights and sweepy bangs. Gah.

After getting my hair done and doing my little overtime desk dance Joel and I headed to a little place I like to call Heaven/Nordstrom. It was a little sad walking past the handbag section because my beloved pursey, as I liked to call her, had just been injured. And? She wasn't going to recover. The autopsy revealed that Banana Republic had been careless when installing pursey's zipper. After repeated zipping she just couldn't take it anymore and... *sniff*... her handle fell clean off. I'm pretty sure it was painless. At least thats what I keep on telling myself. So walking through Nordrom was a little emotional for me. But? Something caught my eye. It was a dark chocolate suede with peri-winkle blue trim. Ahh maze ing. I reached out my hand and gave her a tentative stroke. I swear I heard a purr. I turned to Joel with tears in my eyes and said "that's the one..."

Here she is folks.... Coachy!

So purty. How can you top a purse high? With Haagen Dazs people. Rent a movie, make some popcorn and indulge yourself in the holy trinity. Not "THE" Holy Trinity. THIS holy trinity. (Although angels may sing for both.....) Vanilla Fudge? Dulche De Leche? Strawberry? Perfect. Even if you're forced to watch "The Longest Yard"...........

Free Advice Fridays part deux.....

2005-10-14T15:10:00.000-05:00

Well. I was planning on answering only one question today (mostly cause I only had one). But? Two more rolled in. So now that I feel all cool and such I will answer a question from Heidi, who seems to be a spiritually-minded gal with an serious issue.

This one's for you Heidi....

p.s. Isabel- Europe?! Weee! I promise to come up with a rockin' answer that will solve world hunger, or your problem, by next Friday....

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Ticket 4 two,

I have a question:
with a NEW job or with the OLD job I have to learn: TO SAY NO!
How can I learn it?
It's a serious question.
Please answer seriously cause I think you are a person who CAN say NO and doesn't always please everybody who surrounds you...
and that you are smart enough to say friendly or with humor "NO" which is very difficult for me because I am too severe and on the other hand I want to please everybody: when I will continue to be like that, I CANNOT manage the new job if I get it...

By the way, your blog is very refreshing also your humor it's as if I lived round the corner of your house.

Heidi

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dearest Heidi,

First off, props to you for thinking I have a serious side. After reading your blog I can tell that you have a heart for serving God. You seem like a really caring girl. Which? Could be part of the problem. I to had issues with being a constant people pleaser when I was in high-school. For me, the root of the issue came from fear of rejection. Duh duh duh. When I look back now (hindsight being 20/20 and all....) I realize that I didn't have enough self- confidence. You have to be able to accept the negative consequences that come with saying "no." It's not always going to be easy. Some people might try to manipulate you, while others complain and my favorite is the guilt trip they'll throw your way. Sooo.... that's why I've created 3 step plan for you to learn to say no.

1. Picture a situation at work where you should have said no. Now? Picture yourself actually saying no. What was the outcome? What was the worst case scenario? Was there blood involved? Nope? Well then, its not as bad as it seems!

2. Start by saying no in "safe" situations, where the outcome will be only minor. Rehearse with family or friends. Example: "No dad, you cannot borrow my dress again!"

3. Make sure that your non-verbal message is the same as your words. Use a un-apologetic tone and make eye contact. This will earn people's respect while bolstering you're confidence.

When I tell people that I can't do something I usually try to use sense of humor. But? That doesn't always work. I would suggest that you start out with #3 and add a smile. You don't need to be the resident ice-queen, you just need to earn respect and gain self-confidence. Don't let people walk all over you! You were put here on earth for a reason. And I'm pretty sure it wasn't to be trampled.

Good luck & good riddance to saying yes,

Ashlie

p.s. Here's a website that explains it even better!

Free Advice Fridays!

2005-10-14T11:57:00.000-05:00

Dear Internet,

Welcome to the first official edition of Free Advice Fridays. Thank you K. for being our first brave participant. At this time I will take the vow of Free Advice Fridays.... I solemnly swear to try my best in answering your questions about the wonders of life. Unless it has to do with "the birds and the bees" in which I will instruct you to go ask you're parents. But alas, without further adieu- here's K.!

*notice how I add the link to her website, so in fact, you will know that she is a real person and I didn't not make her up out of desperation.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heyo,

I have been reading your blogs a lot, they provide a really welcomed break from my own crazy world. Thanks for that.

I wanted to know if you have considered writing for a magazine or paper because there is a lady who has a column in my city's paper and she writes like you and everyone adores her. Maybe that could make up for monies lost by sucky coffee managerial job - GET PAID FOR WHAT YOU ALREADY DO AND ENJOY!
Before you go and do that though, I noticed that your website says 'Free Advise Fridays' above your email.
I need advise.
I am Australian. I am in Australia. I have traveled extensively. I am in my final year at university. I plan to do my final semester of my degree at California State University - Fullerton campus. That is scary. Semester is supposed to start in January and I will be moving to another country..... I am starting to freak out and am just wanting some advise on how to deal with preparing to go and how to deal with getting there.

Thanks in advance.

K.
p.s. The email address listed on your site is ewensrock05@hotmail - you need to add '.com'.

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K.,

First off, thank you so much for pointing out the '.com' error. You will notice that I have now changed it. All because of you. Bolocks to you Kristiana, bolocks to you....

Any-hoo. So you're moving to the great O.C.? First off I would recommend brushing up on your O.C. lifestyle. This can be easily accomplished by watching critically acclaimed shows such as "The O.C." and "Laguna Beach." It should give you a good idea of just how vain people in Southern California can be.

Next, I would practice driving 5 miles an hour on the freeway with the occasional 30 minute pause. As a result you may see a lot of "birds" and hear a lot of "horns" but this will prepare you for making your way around Los Angeles.

Last, I would watch all the plastic surgery programs available. You will be identifying 'botox', 'rhinoplasty', 'breast augmentation' and 'duck lips' (aka lip augmentation) on a regular basis. If you practice these suggestions with diligence you to will fit right in....

On a more serious note. Congratulations, the OC is a great place to live and your college sounds fantabulous! I wouldn't be to nervous about the big change. You're Australian right? People are going to flock to you just because of your accent. It's sad, but true. I'd do it! You may have the best accent known to man. Just remember that college is the easiest and best way to make friends. I'd recommend plugging yourself into a church/study-group/intramural sports thing right away. Don't be shy! You're going to be just fine.

Jealous of the fact that you're an Australian,

Ashlie

p.s. Thanks for the compliments. I might just do that.

p.s.s. Watch out for the tree rats.

That concludes the First Free Advice Friday! Keep the questions coming and I'll keep the answers smart.......ish.

Insert sad face here

2005-10-13T17:58:00.000-05:00

Want to curl up into little ball. Remember that cool job I told you I got last weekend? Well. I just got the offer in my email. Lets just say - not so cool anymore. When I responded to the ad, it stated a pretty decent salary. The offer was totally different. Here's a breakdown of the sad crappiness.

What we talked about vs. What was on the offer

Talk: You may work up to 50 hours a week- or less depending on how efficent you are.

Offer: "Willingness to be ‘on-call’ and reachable during all business hours and towork approximately 50-55 hours each week(sometimes more, though this includes doing paperwork at home)"

Hello! This is a coffee shop that's open 24 hours a day. I have to be on call all of those?????

Talk: You will be making about how much you're making in your current job.

Offer: While training: hourly rate of $8 per hour (plus tips for the first two weeks, $9 per hour for the second two weeks, and then $10 per hour for the remainder of the training period.You will be in training for 10 weeks.

WTF????

Are you kidding me?? I don't know what to do. Should I try to make a counter-offer? Should I break down in tears (tempting....)? Oy. vey. Major suckage. Feel free to wallow with me....

Road Trip, Road Trip, Road Trip! (feel free to chant along)...

2005-10-13T12:45:00.000-05:00

Moving sucks. We seem to have the market cornered on the moving suckage since we have moved not once, but 4 freakin' times in the past 6 months. Bleck. Hate. Moving. Almost as much as I hate doctors. All that lifting, driving, packing, taping, sweating, breaking (glasses, plates, your back etc,.) just blows.

In the spirit of all parents who have used the "airplane" when trying to get their kids to eat their food; we're going to trick ourselves into liking it. The fastest way to accomplish this is by replacing the word "moving" with "road-trip." By some miracle maybe the old switch 'n bait technique will work. We've started a list of ways to keep our minds off the fact that we are, yet again, moving (This time? Far, far away).

Top 10 things needed for a fantabulous Ewen road trip

(i.e.- to keep from 1. strangling eachother 2. strangling a stranger at a rest stop or 3. driving off the nearest cliff at mile 1,975.)

1. We're going to explore our musical sides by christening ourselves with rapper names. This was decided after a long discussion this morning on why Eminem should retire and whether or not he comes up with his proteges names. Which was then followed by -where does he find these people? I mean his story is semi-believable (poor, poor little rabbit), but 50 cent? I mean did he really get shot 9x? Meh. We decided it was done surgically for "street cred" after changed his plans from attending an ivy league school and becoming an accountant. Upon rapping (nooo I didn't write that on purpose) up that discussion we started brainstorming our new names. The initial findings were MicPick for me and Dr.Claw for Joel. We'll need to refine these further and come up with ideas to give us some street cred as well. I'll let you know.

2. Did you know that any calories consumed while in a moving vehicle don't count? Bring on the donuts! Followed by candy corn, doritos and any other refined food product that, more than likely, will make us ill.

3. What kind of crazy designs and animals can I make with my toes on the windshield ...that won't come off for the next 3 years, because really- who cleans the inside of their car??

4. Slug-bug anyone? Or how about mapping our way across the country by the different kinds of road-kill? "Dead armadillo! 1,000 pts! Were not in Arizona any more Toto....".

5. One word. Graceland. Must see in Memphis. Thank ya, thank ya very much...

6. "The wheels on the jeep go round and round, round and round....." followed by other whimsical sing-alongs.

7. October 31st will be extra special this year. We have big plans of celebrating by driving in costumes and making sure to trick 'r treat at every 7 Eleven in hopes of getting free candy.

8. Entering a long, heated discussion on what clothes we are going to buy first when we get to Bmore. Example (sense the passion in my voice): "Oh ya Joel, I completely think that herringbone blazer at JCrew is a worthy purchase. But, please tell me what you really think about those brown suede pumps at Banana Republic...."

9. Entering another long and possibly more heated discussion on why we are NOT adding the Duke's of Hazard to our DVD collection. Hello? Did you see skanky Jessica? Were you in the same theater as me? * thinking in my head: there's no way I'm going to let you compare me to HER by watching that movie once a week.*
Then thinking.... *What kind of workout can I do to get my legs to look like that? (while devising my next master plan to become a super-model in 30 days)....

10. Listen to Dane Cook over and over and over and over again while saying things like "I would hit every bee in the face" and "Looks like a melon, could be a co-co-nut".

How much are you worth?

2005-10-12T19:11:00.000-05:00

I am worth $2,087,050 on HumanForSale.com

I bet I'm totally worth more than you.

A million & one things to do.....other than this.

2005-10-12T17:19:00.000-05:00

Work. Gah. Am so behind. The files are piled up to my ears and just when I start to make a dent *ta-da* more appear. So why am I writing you now? Because. I am trying to be a good little blogger and write once a day at least 5x a week. That way my family, friends and internet can feel close to me all the time. Aw. Touching.
But, as promised, I'm going to tell you why I'm getting a whole new wardrobe. Because I want to. So there. Actually, Joel and I are getting a settlement from an un-named store which rhymes with Abersnobby & Hitch. It's not a ton of money, but just enough for us to replace most of our West Coast/Southern California wardrobes. Really, I haven't bought any clothing for A LONG time. But? Now I want to binge. So give me cash and turn me loose at H&M, Jcrew and Anthropologie. My life will then be complete.

Well. Anything else happening in my life worth mentioning? Hmmmm... Lets see:

1. Bought a Johns Hopkins University sweatshirt as a souvenir in Bmore. Got high-fived at LAX and had a couple people whisper "looook, she goes to JHU" on the airplane. Hehe. Just wearing it makes me feel smart. Joel's JHU Lacrosse hat didn't get him anything. Ha.

2. Joel left the lights on the jeep yesterday. Since were a one car family now, its very difficult finding another vehicle to jump your car. So? We tried push-starting the jeep in traffic. It went something like this: Joel- beet red, almost bursting a hernia trying not to get hit by traffic. Me- in drivers seat yelling "good job honey- but can you go any faster?"

3. We stole boxes from our neighbors. Okay. I stole them.

4. I'm going to take action on maintaining that wee lil fro of mine I mentioned yesterday. I'm getting highlights AND cute-side sweepy bangs. Don't worry- there'll be pictures....

5. I had a doctors appointment today. Hate. Doctors. Hattteeee....

6. We were "officially" approved for our apartment. I've also done some more homework on Mount Vernon. Take a look at this website for some cool info. That way when you come and visit (like I know ya'll will!) you'll have 100 ideas to go!

Well. I guess I should go earn my keep. Gah. Doctors + Work = lots and lots of hate.

*just repeat after me, only 7 days of work left, only 7 days left.....*

My Manic Weekend. A short(ish) story by Ashlie Ewen.

2005-10-11T11:45:00.000-05:00

Ta-da! This is our new, super cute apartment! We finally decided on a smallish one bedroom in Mount Vernon on Sunday. So no, my weekend did not go according to schedule. It was mostly positive but there was ONE incident that almost sent me to prison for man-slaughter. I'll get to that later. But first, lets start at the very beginning.

Friday

Friday got off to a pretty good start. We got to the airport with plenty of time to spare, junk food to eat and books to read.
This is us. Chillin in the airport.

The flight was pretty uneventful. We flew on the airline which I'm going to be employed with (hopefully) very shortly.

* Backstory: I'm waiting on my flight attendant training date which seems to be looming near in the future - I can't wait to fly again!!! Being a flight attendant is by far the best career choice for me. Its fun, fun, fun and I get to travel, travel, travel. Even if it's traveling to Oklahoma. Have you been to Oklahoma? I thought so. *

Any-hoo. We landed and stepped outside just to have the humidity smack us in the face. My hair immediately did the whole "frizz, frizz, frizz" thing and I realized that I'm going to have to rethink the way I style my wee lil' fro. After picking up our rental car we hopped on the freeway in the dark as it was pouring rain and tried to make our way to the hotel without dying. This? Was no ordinary rain- this was the kind of rain that laughs in the face of other rain. It just looks at your clothes and you're soaked. Who needs indoor plumbing with this kind of rain? At least that's how we felt when we trudged into "Super Fresh" (my new favorite grocery store) for our obligatory Krispy Kremes.

Saturday

Saturday morning went pretty much exactly how I'd thought. We woke up, looked at eachother and went back to sleep for 30 minutes. Then we went in "frantic" mode to get ready and try to find the school where Joel's interview was located. We managed to get to Joel interview 45 minutes early (how do we do that???) and eat a bagel for breakfast. Success.

After dropping him off I made my way to interview #1. I was offered the position and (as of today) have accepted it, pending salary finalization. So it looks like I will be managing a few coffee shops located in downtown Baltimore. Free coffee for me!!! Yeah! The locations preclude the clientele to be mostly all college students, which I'm excited about. My employees will be all college students as well. Maybe I'll even make some friends. Friends would be nice. Considering right now my ONLY friend in Los Angeles moved away months ago. Meh. I am a friendless wonder. But seriously. Its amazing how much harder it is to make friends when your older! That's a whole 'nother blog though.

So, moving on to interview #2. I got there 30 minutes early and was really bored. And? I had to use the bathroom but there were NO bathrooms around (the building was locked) and the sound of the rain on my windshield was driving my bladder nuts! That's when I decided (as any normal girl would) to take some pictures of myself. Here is me. Here is me winking. Any questions?
This interview was a joke. The building was nice, the offices were nice, the HR lady was scaarrryyy. She was dressed in a black sweatsuit, pale blue press-on nails and light frosted pink lipstick. She also had adorned herself with enough (fake) bling to make J-Lo jealous. AND? She was a small white girl. With a 'tude. She was all smack, smackin her gum and TOTALLY giving me the look. You know- the look that another female gives you when she's totally assessing if she's better/prettier/smarter/taller/thinner than you. It was not fun. I will not be accepting that position anytime soon. Gah!

After puting my bladder through the unnecessary pain of the last interview I made my way back to Joel. He gave me the run-down of his interview, which went splendid! We won't "officially" know anything for two weeks though, so cross your fingers! We had about an hour of time to kill before the great apartment search of '05 started, so we went to Starbucks and met an old friend. Pumpkin Spice Latte. Best friend a girl could have. So with a little bit of a caffeine buzz we went to Charles Village where we were to take a look some apartments. This is when we got screwed over by our friendly neighborhood apartment manager. I'm still soooo mad about what happened that it's been hard to get rid of the chorus line of cuss-words dancing through my head. What happened to make her so mad you say? Ahhh... we'll, read the letter below and witness the atrocity.

Dear Mr. Scott "swindling" Gibson,

Thank you for showing us your apartments on Saturday. I just have a few questions for you, if you would be so kind to answer. Do you remember how I called at least 3x to verify you had 6 month leases? Do you remember telling me that ALL your leases ended in May? Do you remember when you were showing us the apartments how we said over and over that we HAD to HAVE a 6 month lease because we were buying a home in spring? Right? Remember that conversation??? Do you remember how the first four apartments smelled like something dead was buried in the walls? Remember the basement apartment that didn't have a single window?

THEN! Do you remember apartment #5? The way the halls gleamed and the walls were painted a buttery yellow? Do you remember when you opened the doors to this amazingly huge apartment with two massive fireplaces, a view of the lake, gleaming hardwood floors and a bathroom the size of my studio apartment? How about when I screamed "we'll take it!" 30 seconds after looking, much to the horror of the other 5 people looking with us. Do you remember holding those fat checks for security deposit, first months rent and application fees? I'm pretty sure you should remember this stuff. I'm equally sure that you'll remember what happened next when you told Joel and I to go back to your office and wait for 2 hours to fill out our lease. Maybe you'll also recall crushing all my hopes and dreams when you said "Oh Yeah. You guys wanted a 6 month lease riiiiggghhht, well this one only rents for a year. And? No subleting possible."

Just wanted to check to see if your memory has returned as of Tuesday. Because? Mine is still smarting. So? Next time, kick a puppy instead. You suck.

Sincerely,

Ashlie Ewen

For the rest of the evening I was soooo down. Food had no taste, and the rain was depressing instead of invigorating. Joel was sad. Joel was mostly sad because I was so sad. I cried. I tried to get excited about looking for an apartment on Sunday, but I just couldn't. It's like the dream were you win an entire new wardrobe just to wake up to your crappy closet full of crap.

Sunday

Sunday, I woke up in much better spirits ready to face the day. Or at least face IHOPS, where I had the best pumpkin pancakes. My mouth just watered thinking about them! After breakfast we headed to our first appointment in Mount Vernon (you know where I'm going with this!). Mt. Vernon is amazing! We knew the apartment clicked with us when we pulled up outside. Now, I would be lying if I said it was as nice as the apartment that got away but its stands on its own. First off, the location is amazing! Its almost smack dab downtown with a frillion things to do and see. It's on the 2nd floor and doesn't smell (that's important people!) and has pretty hardwood floors and 9ft ceiling with amazing old crown molding. The rooms are small, but cozy and filled with character. There are 6 huge windows which let in a lot of light and air, which is fantabulous! It's going to be great. Were also allowed to paint the walls, which brings me to a question for my audience. What color walls would go good with a dark leather couch and hardwood floors? I think that I'm going to do the bedroom in a light blue-gray tone. We'll see. Here's a "before" picture of the living room. Joel wouldn't let me post the rest because the tenant has all her crap in it and it looks terrible. Just squint a little when you look at it.

Well. This post is officially the longest one ever written and I probably lost everyone half way though. So. I'm not going to finish with Moday, 'cause blah, blah, blah, we got on an airplane and didn't die and now we're back in LA.

The moving countdown is 12 days with only 8 days of work left- thank the sweet baby Jesus! On an exciting note- Joel and I have decided that we need a whole new wardobe. We'll be purchasing that when our lawsuit checks come..duh duh duh...

Leavin' on a Jet Plane....

2005-10-06T11:28:00.000-05:00

Baltimore here we come! Our flight leaves LAX around noon tomorrow and were not coming back until Monday. Some lucky person has Columbus Day off (okay, it's me). Who heard of taking off Columbus Day? All I have to say is Thank You Columbus for discovering America and paying me to not work on Monday!
Any-hoo. We won't arrive until 7:30 pm EST on Friday, so more than likely we'll probably be pretty whipped by the time we get to our hotel. Then the madness will ensue.

This is my estimation of what Saturday will look like:

6am (EST)/ 3am (PST): Wake up. Wake Joel up. Look at eachother. Go back to sleep.

7am (EST)/ 4am (PST): Wake up again. FREAK OUT. Jump out of bed. Run around. Wonder where I am. Where am I? Oh ya. Baltimore. And? We need to leave. NOW. Wake Joel up with all the screaming. Frantically get ready for VERY important day.

8am (EST)/ 5am (PST): Arriving (suprisingley) on time. How do Joel and I manage it? Butterfly check. Yup. Butterflies in place. Smack dab in our stomachs where they will reside for the remainder of the day. Kiss Joel goodbye and good luck for his teaching interview.

9am (EST)/ 6am (PST): First job interview for Ashlie! Find out if I'm capable and excited about managing some coffee shops. Enjoy free coffee. Worry about Joel. Kick myself for worrying because- come on. He's a shoe-in. Duh.

11am (EST) /8am (PST): Drive around in circles trying to find my 2nd job interview. Worry about Joel. Worry about the fact that right now ALL our eggs have been put in the "teaching" basket. Say a prayer.

12am (EST)/9am (PST): Second interview? This is where I find out what exactly a "Broker Coordinator" is. It sounds important right? Uh-huh. In my experience the greater the title, the more lame the job. It's probably code for "go get my lunch wench."

12:15pm (EST)/9:15am(PST): Quick interview. I mean, really, how long does it take to explain "go get my lunch wench" kinda stuff?

12:16pm (EST)/9:16(PST): Remember Joel. Check cell phone repeatedly to see if I missed any calls from him. No? Well. That must be a good sign right? Right? Decide to drive around Bmore and check out the town. Change mind. Decide to park outside Joels interview and read. Okay. Obsessively check cell phone and "pretend" to read.

3pm (EST)/12pm(PST): *sleeping* Jerk awake when Joel knocks on car window. Listen wide-eyed to the wild tales of the Baltimore City Teaching Residency Interview. Joel was hired. Duh. *sigh of relief* But really, duh.

3:30pm(EST)/ 12:30pm (PST): Looking at our first apartments!
Three times the size of our LA apartment, but half the price. Squee! Ooohhh. One has two fireplaces and pretty, pretty hardwood floors. Weeellll take it!! Sold.
Oh. And? $200 off the first months rent? What shall we do with the extra money?
SHOES! Life is good.
(This is picture of ACTUAL apartment)

6pm (EST)/ 3pm (PST): Drive back to hotel and crash, because this day has been exhausting.

8pm (EST)/ 5pm (PST): Right before drifting off to sleep, recap the day with eachother. Jobs? Check. Apartment? Check. Extra money for tomorrow to go shopping with and explore the city because we have all this extra free time, money and places to see, things to do? Check. (run on sentences. check. sorry.)

Then on Sunday we will proceed to do precisely that. Have fun, eat crab and buy shoes. We'll fly back on Monday relaxed and refreshed. That's exactly what's going to happen people. Exactly.

*If for some reason the actual happening of the weekend varies slightly from what I've so carefully planned, I'll let you know. When I get back. Relaxed and refreshed. On Monday.

So for now, enjoy your weekend and check back later because there will be pictures involved and we all know how much you like pictures....

If there was a contest MY husband would win.

2005-10-05T11:49:00.000-05:00

Today is the day that I kill you all with sickly sweetness and gooey affection. And possible jealously. Because I have the best husband in the world. I mean, first off look how adorable and handsome he is. See?

The he goes and does the unthinkable by topping his handsomeness off with a dose of thoughtfulness. Squee! I opened my email this morning and found the most encouraging, amazing little note that he had secretly written while I was on the phone with my sister (and having a nervous breakdown). Here is the thoughtful little piece of love:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Love You. You make me more happy than anyone in the world. I'm lucky to have you as my wife. Reasons I am lucky:

1. You love me.
2. You take me out to pizza.
3. You ask my opinion on things like gifts for your boss's wife...then you listen!
4. You calmly carry on an obviously frusterating conversation with your sister...without killing her through the phone.
5. You're a dreamer.
6. And a starter.
7. And a finisher.
8. You're smart with money.
9. You're pretty.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm swooning people, swooning. He is just so sweet and kind. And? Did I mention that he treats me like a princess? Here's an example. Last Thursday was his day off, so I gave him a call during lunch. Here's how it went:
me: "Whatcha doing honey?"
him: "Oh... I'm just cleaning up. You know, putting baking soda on the carpet and vacuuming it up. Cleaning our ENTIRE kitchen. I even bought a scrubby brush thingy AND some comet. I'm going to tackle the bathroom next."
me: *speechless*
Then he came and picked me up from work. When we got in he had made me dinner! DINNER! Were not talking Mac 'n cheese people. Were talking grilled chicken, broccoli and rice. Not even standard rice. Cheesy broccoli rice. Mmmnnn....

That's just a little taste of the Joel Magic. I mean, really, the list could go on and on. But I'd probably lose all my readers from bitterness.

But there's one last thing I have to mention. He's a snappy dresser (yes- the word snappy is making a comeback). Just look at the shoes he picked out at Banana yesterday. The perfect wing-tip oxford's that go amazing with jeans OR dress pants.

*Sigh*
Their perfect.
He's perfect.
I'm lucky.
And? You hate me.
I can live with it.

Dear Blogger, I hate you.

2005-10-04T12:54:00.000-05:00

Why oh why does some text not show up? Huh? Huh?!! Gah. Dumb blogger playing it's dumb blogger games.

p.s. If there's an obvious hole where the "text" should belong please highlight it and it shall appear. This may or may not be happening with the first paragraph of the entry below. And above and below the pictures. Stupid blogger.

Good Lord Make it Stop!!!

2005-10-04T11:27:00.000-05:00

Joel, if you're reading this honey, please don't.

It's for your own good.

Okay. I have done a great job avoiding this for quite some time now but suddenly it's like someone flipped a switch in my head. I can't stop thinking about it. What I'm about to say is going to be very shocking for some.....

Here if goes.

I. Want. A. Baby.

I want this:

And I want this:

There. I said it. I can see you now- parents screaming "Noooo-not yet- too soon!!!!", while friends with babies or babies on the way jumping up and down clapping hands while others just shake their head in disbelief. Then I see something else. What is that? Oh yes. It's Joel- rocking back and forth in the corner sucking on his thumb.

For those of you wondering what the heck I'm thinking, I honestly don't have a good answer. I just see chubby little bodies with jam faces and dirty hands and my heart flutters a little. I want jam faces! I want 10 lil' dirty fingers! Gosh darn it. I want a baby. I'm prepared to throw a tantrum.

But we can't. It's just not good timing. Were moving to a totally new world (yes, the east coast does count as a new world) without jobs or even a place to live right now. We don't even know where we'll be in a year. And? On top of that we want to travel to exotic places and get to know eachother like the back of our hands before we...you know... the whole baby thing.

But yet, I'm disagreeing with everything I just said. Why is that? I'm not being logical at all, am I? Does this happen to every newly married woman? Is it cause I just hit the landmark 25 (quarter of a century!) in August? Why oh why?!!?! Joel and I were set. We didn't even know if we wanted kids! Then we decided just one. But now, I don't think one is enough. More, more!!! Okay, maybe two at least.

Someone. Help me out. Please tell me that this is normal and I'm not going crazy. I've read the "Old Woman in the Shoe". Its not a pretty picture people.
Oy. Just oy. What have I gotten myself into.

Well, on that note. Congratulations to my big sis Betsy on the announcement of her third little cherub AND congrats to my dearest friend Julie who's pregnant with her first pumpkin (woo-hoo! second trimester!).

Don't worry just yet. I haven't gone off the deep end and I'm not about to "accidentally" get pregnant. It wouldn't be fair to Joel (or the baby). Were just not ready. You know how I know this for sure? A couple months ago I decided to "joke" with Joel about being pregnant. I had him going for a few minutes, but when I saw the shear terror in his eyes I gave in. He. Freaked. Out. He told me that it was not funny at all. Then he compared it to joking about cutting off my head with a chainsaw. That's when you know you are not ready to become a family. When your husband compares getting pregnant to decapitation.

Well. That's about all the baby talk I can muster up for one day (not really, but I'll spare you). But I wasn't kidding about the whole question thing. I want to know when you first wanted to start having babies AND if they were planned or not. Tell me your thoughts and stories. Or else. I might do something crazy. Like get pregnant.

p.s. Joel and I have a running bet that Jaime and TJ are soooo having babies before us. I think.

p.s.s. Thanks to amalah for providing the great pictures of the belly and the baby.

Dad, you made me laugh.

2005-10-03T13:53:00.000-05:00

Now Watch me try to answer some of life's great mysteries!

Isn't he cute? I love my daddy!

My dad sent me some nice one-liners this weekend. Thought I'd share and try to break as many copyright laws as possible. You'll notice the skip in numbers where I deleted a few to keep it strictly "PG" content. And to get rid of some lameness.

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
hey.. I like Evian....ahh... thats starting to make sense...

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant likemaking a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Wait. They don't have a peeing section in pools? All those years.....

3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the"Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
Baby-approved.

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
Probaby that one dentist in the "4 out of 5 dentists approve" commercial. Gah. I've got nothin.

5. There are three religious truths: Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leaderof the Christian faith. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
Hey. My church is baptist! So is my waitress at Hooters.

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Only if they don't like them very much....

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Wha?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
Not so funny- just annoying. Don't they become rock hard or something?

12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
I'd be depressed if I was a drycleaner.

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?
Hasn't this one been done?

14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
Ohhh... that would be wrong!

15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses ofbald men?
Flesh.

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use?Toothpicks?
Nothing like a toothpick through your tounge to start the day off right.

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the PostOffice? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
That just might work.

19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
To help me. So ha.

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Most have that one conquered way before driving. Driving just help's hone the skill.

21. Why does Ashlie even try? Gah.

The one with the bad eating habits who's in love with Baltimore!

2005-10-02T01:29:00.000-05:00

Can I share something with you? How's about some pictures of my *new* city? And have I told you how excited I am to move? To Baltimore? Maybe a dozen times? Huh... Well let me tell you something else. All I ate today was waffles and cookies- throw in an apple for good health. Gah! See what Joel is turning me into?? Except that the cookies were my idea. Woops. And on top of that I got a pumpkin shake from Jack in the Box last night at 12:30am. Mmmnnn. If it weren't for the occasional 12 mile hike I'd be getting worried.

So here are some of the pics of my *new* city.

Being from the west coast this kind of architecture and history is just so captivating! I'm such a sap for this kind of stuff. Cobbled streets? Houses built in the 1800's? Brick everywhere? So cool. So interesting.
I've been so immersed in the Los Angeles real estate market that I start to twitch when I see the prices of Baltimore realestate. I have the after-Thanksgiving-bargain-shopper mentality. Must buy now. House prices will jump a frillion percent if I don't. Hurry, hurry, hurry, must wake up at 3am and beat down the doors. Breathe.
Here are some pictures of homes (in our price range). Look at the pretties!

Can you believe it? I'm still in shock. These homes don't exist in Los Angeles. And if they did they would be millions upon millions of dollars. Ain't the east coast grand?

Unfortunately we won't be buying any of these beauties soon. To get the most bang for our buck we are going to participate in the "Teacher Next Door" HUD home program.
Here's the just of the program:

What are the benefits for the teacher?
The selected bidder may purchase the property at a 50 percent discount from the list price. For example, if a HUD home is listed for $100,000, a teacher can buy it for $50,000. To make a HUD home even more affordable, you can apply for an FHA-insured mortgage with a downpayment of only $100 and you may finance all closing costs.
If the home you want to purchase needs repairs, you may use FHA's 203(k) mortgage program. This program allows you to finance both the purchase of the home and the cost of needed repairs. You have the benefit of one loan for both costs and one monthly payment.

That's right. 50% off a home! Instant equity. The only thing is that they're in "revitalization" areas, which is code for wear a flak jacket if you go outside and make sure that those window bars are on tight!!! Here's a sampling of what were looking at:

It has potential but will need a lot of work!! That's one of the reasons we're excited. It will be easier than building from the ground up, but we'll still get to customize it to our tastes. Maybe even learn a skill or two. We saw the coolest tile floor for our bathroom. It looks like grass people. It's the closest thing you can get to a lawn in your home minus the bugs and the mowing part. Maybe we should put it outside. Hmm. Get back to you on that one.

Take a look at their website!

Here's the grass and I threw in some river rocks for an exciting twist.

I know, I know. I may be gettin a little bit crazy. That's the beauty of it people. Thats the beauty.....

Shout ~ out ~ to ~ the ~ birthday ~ boys!

2005-09-30T12:54:00.000-05:00

Today is a very special day. My father-in-law (Terry) and our friend (Matt) are turning a respective combined 70ish years. Its a bummer that we can't be there for the celebration, Lord knows how much I love cake. Sad, sad day. But really, happy day for you Terry and Matt- hope you have fun! Eat at least 3,000 calories worth of cake for me please.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How to trick yourself into looking forward to moving....

in 30 days or less - money back guarantee!

I am so excited to move from this horrible place they call Los Angeles. Its not always horrible. Really, it might be nice if there were no people. Except Joel and I of course. And maybe Jennifer Garner, cause she's such a freakin' cute pregnant woman and oh my gosh, did you see Alias last night? So. Cute. And? Totally kickbutt. My hero.

Anyway, back to the hateration.... here's a list!

1) The shear number of people invading your (by your, I mean OUR) space. Everywhere. All the time. Not just the people but their weird smells as well. For example: Every night around 9pm the smell of frying onions and Lord knows what else wafts into our (already) smelly little crap hole. Thanks neighbors, we really appreciate it. No. Really. Were going to buy you more onions for Christmas.

2) Driving. Anywhere. The people here are the worst drivers in the United States. Hands down, way down. The main issue is that not only are the drivers super aggressive they're also not ever paying attention to the actual driving part. Putting on mascara? Check. Talking on their cell phones? Duh. Putting on mascara while talking on their cell phone, drinking coffee and changing lanes with one gigantor swerve? Check, check, check. How about driving and drinking a Coors while smiling and waving at people. Um. Check.
Now- how about I called the police on you felons? Check! Ha- that was me you little punk gangstas!!!
.... i'm so going to be murdered in my sleep....

3) Weather. Gasp! Isn't Los Angeles in southern California AND isn't southern California the land of the never-ending sunshine and skin cancer? Yes. But it's also the land of the never-ending smog and gloomy nothingness. Seasons? Forget about it. Snow? Leaves turning colors? A frosty little nip in the air? Wearing your cute plaid coat? Nope, nope, nope. It. Is. Depressing.

4) Do you know how much we pay for our stinky little studio, far, far away from the ocean but oh-so close to Compton? Try $1050 a month. For 450 sq. ft. of luxury. Riiiiggghht. Then- we pay almost another $100 for a storage unit that holds the rest of the stuff that doesn't fit into our little abode. THEN- they actually charge us for all of the utilities. Including our trash and water. It's a travesty people, a travesty!!!

That's all the hateration I can manage for one day. Gotta stop before my head explodes. So, really, the best way to be excited for moving is to live in LA and then try to get the funk out!

Next time..... the things I (think I'm gonna) love about Baltimore!

There's more? Yup. Now suffer.

2005-09-29T15:19:00.000-05:00

Note to Ashlie:

Hello this is ...your super-cute black shirt... just thought I'd tell you that you look like a blind person dressed you this morning.
Hello this is...your black skirt... I think you are a colorblind moron. Your blacks don't even match and you put on a button-up with me? What. were. you. thinking.

Hello this is ...your underwear.... I am the only thing cute on you today. And no one can see me. Ha ha ha. You lose.

Gah.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know, Yosemite, blah, blah, blah. I swear that there's only one day left. Now bear with me. Oh. and? Dearest mother-in-law of whom I love. Please do not take away your son when you read this. I promise to now on feed him everyday, brush his hair and take him for long walks. Please don't take him away. He is fun. We like him. See his cuteness?

Day 3:

Sleep: not to bad
Breath: really bad
Hair: Frizz, Frizz, Frizz
Breakfast: NONE

What do you feed your husband when you've got nothing for breakfast? Smores! We ate all the smores we had left at 9am. With the little kid (not d.b.) next door giving us the evil eye 'cause his mama wouldn't let him eat marshmallows for breakfast. Ha!

This is so out of character for me. Joel? The guy who eats leftover cookies for breakfast? Loved it. So there we have it. Donuts, no dinner WAY to much trail mix (the kind with more chocolate chips and cashews than anything healthy) and now- smores for breakfast. I am a bad wife. *sigh*
After leisurely licking the marshmallows off our fingers while sticking out our tongues at the marshmallow kid we decided it was -sad- time to leave. It took us about 2 seconds to pack up and decide we were going to do another hike. We drove to Lower Yosemite Falls for an easy, forgiving .5 mile jaunt. This is what you could see from the lookout. Small trail of water far, far away? Boring. We wanted more. So we decided to go bouldering. Our calves told us that we were stupid, inbred fools but our eyes told our calves where to stick it.
It was so worth it. 20 minutes of crazy climbing we arrived at the bottom of the waterfall. Ahhh.... We stuck our feet in the water and watched some crazy people climbing up a (puke) cliff.

After the pool o' paradise we explored some of the lower pools and found some treasures immersed in the water. Like? Size 12 girls GAP shorts, lots of socks and a burger king crown. Joel was hoping for a vest or something cool. Maybe next time.

Then came the sad part. The leaving. We drove through the Big Pretty one last time, stopping to see the Grizzy Giant in Mariposa Grove and named a deer (Henri-so cute!). Then. We left.

All in all- it was the best mini-vacation I've ever taken. Relaxing, invigorating, beautiful, mind-numbing and full of sugar. We plan on doing it again. Soon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P.S. Have now finished lunch and managed to drop stuff all over aforementioned shirt and skirt AND get crumbs in hair.

Skirt and shirt are now making comments to filthy to write. Must wash out their little mouths with soap when get home.

Day 2: The Great Hike

2005-09-28T15:53:00.000-05:00

The second day of our trip started with a bang. Or more like a wail. From the devil baby sharing our tent. When we realized sleep was now beyond our reach we rolled out of our sleeping bags and made a fire. As we were sitting by the fire drinking hot chocolate in our new, shiny mugs and looking out at the Merced River devil baby's (d.b. from now on) dad came over to apologize. I wanted to tell him HELLO- don't take a sick baby camping, but alas all that came out was "Aw, so cute...." When d.b.'s dad asked if we were bothered by the little banshee both of us instantly said no. At least Joel followed that up with a "It was a good birth control reminder" as I stifled a laugh.

When we reached the Ten Lakes trailhead (about 20 miles from camp) Joel put on our pack and I got out the bear spray. Which I held the entire time. With my finger on the trigger practicing removing the safety. Gah! Screw pink...Bear spray is the new black.

So tra-la-la we hiked along all full of squee and love for nature until we reached a wide granite plateau. We then proceeded to walk around in circles up and down the side of a mountain for 30 minutes. Some stupid (insert sailor talk here) people had diverted the path so you walked way downhill and then were left wondering if you were retarded and really I can't see any lakes yet so what the funk is going on?

*Backstory: This hike is a Ewen family tradition. Joel's dad took his mom on it right after they were married. It was straight uphill in the rain and she was utterly miserable. Joel almost wasn't created (okay, threw that one in for theatrics...)! *

So. I'm beginning to think that it's the Ewen wife curse. Up the mountain. Down the mountain. Our handy GPS said we'd only gone 1 mile. Out of 12. And my legs were tired. I was almost at the point of giving up when Joel- ta da!- found the trail. On our way again- yea! This is how it went:

Walking. Walking. Stopping- "ooohhh pretty." Walking. Walking. Eating (Ritz crakers with salami and fake cheese-mmnnnn....). Walking. Crawling. Dying. Uphill. Death. Oh. My. Gosh. Have gained 2,600ft altitude in 6 miles. On top of mountain. Most beautiful site ever. Heaven? Have to use bathroom. Leave bio-degradable present on top of mountain. Stare. Get dizzy. Pretended to hold up mountain. Thank God for his creation. Eat again.

Then we went back down. 12 miles total. Talk about Jello legs. Talk about cursing calves for the last 3 days. Anyway- it was all worth it and when can we do it again??? Huh?!?

When we got back to camp, all we could do was take a shower (a freaking amazing shower- like winning the lotto or something), climb into bed and try to fall asleep with d.b.'s wailing in the background.

stay tuned for the climax of the Yosemite adventure.....

I Heart Yosemite! p.s. I'm not dead.

2005-09-26T19:18:00.000-05:00

I really mean it folks! I looovvee Yosemite. In fact, Joel and I are thinking about going native and disappearing from the world. Now that were back in Los Angeles, it really seems like an enticing option. Look at the excitement on our little faces! So. much. fun.

Anyway, I'm going to give you the lowdown of each day. Are you ready peeps?

DAY 1:

Took off a little bit later than expected. Oops. Stopped and got a Pumpkin Spice Latte. Umm... this may have been the most tasty thing that's passed my lips in a LONG time. This comes highly recommended people. I also recommend using it to wash down Krispy Kreme Mini-Kruellers. Oh baby!

This was then followed up by waiting in Los Angeles rush hour. 8 miles in 45 minutes. Are you kidding me? On the upside, Joel did have the time to explain every single thing about the game of baseball. Some may gasp in horror, but I asked for it people. I'm one of those gals who likes baseball, but who's knowledge doesn't extend past "soooo you hit the ball with that stick thingy?".... Now I know tons of stuff! I could explain the difference between the American and National league AND debate you on why Pete Rose should be inducted into the Hall of Fame. Am I cool or what? Oh ya, back to the Yosemite thing.... So, right after this baseball conversation I lost consciousness. Coffee, donuts and sleep = heaven.

*Sidenote: That's one of the things that I loooovvvee about my husband. He always drives and lets me sleep when I want to. If I'm driving, I'm a total brat- I'll make you stay awake and tell me stories if I have to. He's an angel.*

The total drive was about 5.5 hours- 5 of it driving through the big U-G-L-Y . Then all of a sudden you round a bend and BAM. The Big Pretty. It is freakin amazing. Joel started squealing (that's right folks-squealing) and my jaw dropped a good 10 inches. Isn't is beautiful people? I mean really?!?! Look at El'Capitan on the left. People actually climb that. It takes two days. It kinda makes me want to puke just thinking about it. Half Dome is in the back. Its a 17 mile hike with the last bit being so steep you have to pull yourself up by a cable to get on top. Puking again.
We got to the valley floor where the "Housekeeping Camp" was and proceeded to the registration area. That is where I almost peed myself (puking and peeing- its officially bathroom humor Monday!). Anyway- you walk in the registration office and the first thing you see is a video about "bear awareness". This is followed up by a dry-erase board stating that there have only been about 40 'bear incidents' in the last week. Just. in. that. campground. Holy mother of Mary! I gave Joel the crazy eye and gripped the nearest box of almond wood. This was right about the time that the lady said "this is peak bear season right now."
Fast forward to us setting up camp (right next to the river suckers!), I'm minding my own business unpacking the jeep when I walk around the corner and hear this deep growl. My heart goes from 0-60 in 1 second flat. I may pass out. Then retard face pops his head up. Stupid husbands, playing their stupid husband games. He quickly realized that pretending to be a bear wasn't the best idea when my eyes started welling up. That's right- I was scared to tears.
After setting up we took a tour of the valley (mostly the souvenir shop) and ended up back at camp around dusk carrying some new mugs and a pack of Yosemite cards. We got our priorities straight! As we were playing rummy and eatin smores our new camping neighbors showed up. These were no ordinary neighbors, these were the kind that take a sick 18 month old baby camping. This was no ordinary baby either. This was the kind that screams bloody murder ever hour throughout the night. Did I mention that the camp provided little huts w/a shared wall? Did I tell you that we shared the wall with devil baby? No? Well at least there is one positive side to this story, (parents-close your eyes!) I never forgot to take my birth control!

Stay tuned for the rest of our adventure......

Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my! AKA bears are freakin' scary....

2005-09-22T11:27:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow Joel and I are going to Yosemite! Yeah! This will be our first camping trip as a married couple, so that's exciting. Both Joel and I love camping. The smell of the trees, wide open spaces, sitting by the fire at night and licking gooey marshmallows off our fingers. Ahhh.

In all actuality we have only been camping together once before. That was not our shining moment. We both did things that we aren't proud of.

*Disclaimer: To my parents and parent-in-law, this happened a LONG, LONG time ago. I have since changed my ways. I swear that I am not corrupting Joel and visa-versa. I've never been a "drinker" and now maybe have a glass of wine a couple times a month. Repeat after me... Ashlie is not a lush. Oh, and siblings-this is an example of how the fire-water messes you up. Dont drink, dont drive and so on...*

Anyway, being an idiot and a lightweight, I drank two rum and cokes in 10 minutes. Our party of four(Sara, Bryon, Joel and I) proceeded to walk from our campsite to the lake. We then took a stroll to the end of the dock where the drinks tackled me full force. I went from happy, happy, happy to full on death. After yelling at the dock to stop moving I had to crawl the entire length 'cause standing was NOT an option. Then I threw up in a bush. Twice. The end. I won't air the other's dirty laundry, but we all know what happened. As far as I'm concerned, what happens in Montana stays in Montana. Including rum and cokes, NEVER again.....

Back to this weekend and my love for the camping, the wilderness and everything in it. Almost. The thing is- I have an irrational phobia of bears. This developed when my big sister Betsy (not actually related, just wishful thinking) and I went to Glacier National Park. We were looking at staying at the KOA or a nearby glacier campground. We chose the KOA. Lucky for us, cause someone was attacked by a grizzly that night in the very same campground. As soon as we heard, we did the only reasonable thing. We boughta book about bear attacks. You see where I'm going with this. Since then, if there are bears in the area I won't go beyond where I can see the car. Joel tries to understand and explain away the issue, but HELLO it's an IRRATIONAL PHOBIA. Duh. Irrational, means that it cannot be explained away rationally, honey. Being eaten by a bear would be the worst way to die. I know, I know, I have a greater chance of being struck by lightening- blah, blah, blah. But seriously. Does lightning do this to you????? (click on this for a graphic portrayal of my worst fear). NOOOOOOO. I'm sorry if I've just given some of you nightmares with that picture. But really, are you coming around to my side of the story now???
So the moral of this story is that I love camping, I hate bears and my husband is lucky that I have decided not to sleep in the jeep. I even agreed to go for a strenuous 12.8 mile hike- without the jeep following closely behind. I am getting over my fear, slowly but surely. As long as Joel is patient with me and we take it nice 'n easy I should be able to conquer this. Unless I keep on looking at that picture because, GOOD GOD its freaking me out!!!
So, you won't be hearing from me again until Monday when I let you know that I made it out alive. Hopefully I wont even have to use the bear spray I made Joel buy. The end.

The Great Storm of '05 & Parking Ticket Paradise

2005-09-21T13:47:00.000-05:00

Yesterday we had a spectacular storm! All the Los Angelites were cowering under their covers well Joel and I were singing in the rain and hoping lightning would hit something nearby. Coming from Washington, we know how to do storms (although Joel tells me that Texas REALLY knows its storms. I guess what they say is true- everything's bigger in Texas! Or is that Montana?). Anyway, this storm was very wee in comparison but it was still exciting. The thunder rumbling miles away and the occasional flash of lightning really made our night. We were so excited that at 2am we threw open the windows to let the sounds pour in then climbed back into bed ready to be lulled to sleep by the rain and thunder.

Ha. Big freakin' Ha. Two hours later, after listening to a million ambulance sirens, cars and my own beating heart I decided that I hate LA and its pitiful storms. I jumped out of bed again and slammed the windows shut. After crawling back in bed I closed my eyes just in time for our neighbors to wake up. I had the amazing opportunity of listening to a whole conversation in a language that I couldn't even identify. I was decidedly mad at the world. I mean, for goodness sakes, who wakes up at 4am and who is that idiot with a motorcycle who's been riding around our block for an hour? Or is every motorcyclist in California taking turns reving their engine outside my window??? Why! Whhyyyy!!!! I knew that I was delirious when I started cursing the people who had the nerve to need an ambulance when I was T-R-Y-I-N-G to sleep. I mean come on! Why can't you get in an accident when I'm at work???
That was the last thought I had before drifting to sleep at 4am.
Lesson Learned: To tired for learning today.....

This is a picture taken of the storm by someone who obviously appreciated it more than me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some of you may be wondering right now, where is parking ticket paradise? For your information parking ticket paradise is in the land of the puny storms. Joel and I have visited paradise at least 5x in the last month. These are not cheap visits either. In Spokane it would have been maybe $10 a violation, but down in paradise its at least $30 a pop. Then if you accidentally wait a little to long it jumps to $55. Do the math.
Most of these tickets have been accumulated because of dreaded street sweeping Wednesday. Lets call the street we park on Emerald (mostly because that's it name). Good ol' Emerald like's her sweeping every Wednesday from 12pm-4pm. That's cool, cause we just both happen to be at work from 12pm-4pm. Or so we thought.

So last Wednesday I traipse out to my car at 8:30am and find a ticket tacked onto my windshield. GAH! Joel and I had just discussed how we were parking ticket failures the night before (Which, of course, I was a teensy bit smug because I only had 1 ticket compared to his 2). Now we were even. I called his phone to break the bad news. Apparently the other side of good ol' Emerald had street sweeping from 8am-12pm. The one graffitied sign was supposed to inform us of this.
After commiserating about our bad luck we realized that his car was parked a block down from mine and was also the proud owner of a ticket. Double GAH! Being the responsible couple we are, both of us paid off our respective tickets and vowed never again. Lesson learned, right? Wrong!

This morning as I was getting into Jeepy (my other beloved) I notice that Joels truck is on THE BAD SIDE. Then I notice the cop ticketing the car behind Joels. Frantically, in panic mode I dial Joels number. He answers on the 2nd ring and all I can get out is "TICKET MAN, TICKET MAAANNNNN!!!!" We both precede to scream like little girls into our phones well he runs like a man-on-fire towards the truck. As I'm driving away, I see him in all his barefoot glory- he made it! No ticket!!!!!
Saved- though there's always next Wednesday....

Name Changin' Kinda Fun!

2005-09-20T16:43:00.000-05:00

Okay. Tell me what is logical here. When you sign your wedding paperwork/marriage license thingy ma bobber and it asks for your legal name wouldn't ya think that you should put your maiden name down? No one told me that I was supposed to write my new name. No. One. Except Lauren who was nice enough to let me know after. She did say that she almost ran over and interrupted the whole she-bang to let me know the gory details. But alas, she did not (but I am not holding that against her because she is a beyond-lovely person). Therefore I am stuck with my maiden name (which I love, by the way, mom and dad) until I go to court. COURT. I must sit in the same seat as hardened criminals just to change those four little letters.
Joel keeps on telling me I'm not going to do it. Of course I am! I am most certainly not a progressive female. But. It is sooo much work. Get a court date, pay lottsa money blah-da-de-blah-blah. So for the mean time I will stick to confusing myself and forgetting whom I told what and possibly even start hyphenating. Beal-Ewen. Hmm... Maybe not.
I think I was going to explain my lust after puppies today as well. I want a puppy like some woman want babies, or diamonds. Of course, like diamonds, all the puppies I want are outrageously expensive.
Examples:
Goldendoodle- cute as a button, allergy free! Roughly $2000.
Mini-Bulldog- in honor of the late and lovable Courtney... Only smaller...$2500.

We'll see what kind of dog we actually get. Don't worry, we sadly won't be paying thousands of dollars for one. That won't happen until Joel goes crazy (which I have lovingly agreed to arrange). Either way, the puppy countdown is nearing months instead of years. For all of you out there with your cute and even homely pooches, kiss them every day because you have no idea how lucky you are!

Update to yesterday:
Stink...I mean sink, still smells like something crawled in it and died.
Lots of non-crazy offers on truck! Yea!

B-more, Drains, Guns and Truck....in that order

2005-09-19T14:51:00.000-05:00

Well. We just found out today that Joel is going to have to fly to Baltimore for his teaching interview. Although more exspensive, this may actually work out for the best since I will be tagging along and interviewing for a couple positions myself as well as look at some apartments. Yeah!
For all of you who don't know about Joels exciting program, take a look the Baltimore Teaching Residency website! This opportunity is such a blessing! Its not a for sure thing yet, but because of Joel's background he's pretty much a shoe-in.

On to the really exciting stuff...

EWEN DRAMA! NOT TO BE MISSED!

The latest drama in our lives really centers around two things, our vehicles and our sink. First, we cannot trust our sink to drain anything even though it has a garbage disposal. This has gotten a little bit frustrating as evidence to the fact that this morning Joel threw the first (if you don't count the ewen "cupboard" incident of '98) ever hissy fit about our lazy sink. He demanded to know what I put down the drain. "Water?" I replied meekly. The stinkin drain cannot even be trusted with water! We've had the apartment people come fix it before, which took precisely 5 days of dishes piling up in a stinking cess-pool in our 4x4 kitchen the size of postage stamp. Given the fact that we live in a studio about 450 sq. ft huge that was a problem. It looks like we will be facing the same issue until we get the heck of of crazy Los Angeles. Sing after me...."Ewww...-what's that smmeeelllll?" This is our new theme song.

Drama #2: We advertised Joels truck on Craigslist yesterday and have received about 20 responses! Yea! Right? Well, craigslist is a blessing and a curse really. Although it can provide you a great tool to buy a couch for $75 and sell it 4 month later for $150 (don't judge me) it also is the mothership for crazies. Hence the time that we hired movers off "the list" to help us move our fridge. First, we had to pick them up at the train station (first clue people, really) then Joel just happened to notice that one of the guys was packing heat. Um yeah. Not the Brad Pit kinda heat, the I'm going to rob all your new, fantastic wedding presents and then tie you up and let you die kind of heat. Needless to say, we came out unscated and our fridge was moved.
So, back to the drama, Joel call's a guy who emailed him about the truck. We offered it for about $300 under blue book. The conversation went something like.
Ring, Ring. "Hi- you emailed me about my truck, what would you like to..."
Joel promptly gets cut off by crazy.
"Okay look, I'll be there in 15 minutes to come and buy your truck. I'm bringing $1500 cash and then I'm driving it home. We'll be done in 30 minutes tops".
My amazing husband responds (insert sarcastic Joel voice here).
"Um, yeah, about that. How about you come after 4pm and bring $1800, which would be the price were asking, and then we'll talk about it."
Crazy: "How about $1500 man?"
Joel: "How about $1800."
Click.

Thats Los Angeles for ya. Hopefully tonight we'll get a non-crazy to buy it.

Anyway, thats all folks. As I get back to work, I'll leave you with the tantalizing teaser for the next installment. My obsession with puppies and why my last name is still... Beal. Duh, Duh, Duh....

Please.... feel free to comment.....really, I insist!

New beginnings, crazy thoughts

2005-09-16T18:36:00.000-05:00

Being married isn't all its cracked up to be.... it better! When you get married people continually try to scare you and give you constant assvice (please click on link for the Urban Dictonary definition).

Example: "The first two years of marriage are soooo hard, you'll want to kill
him".

Therefore I have been walking around waiting for the anvil to fall on my head. I keep on waiting for the annoyance to start and the tears to fall. Walking around in this half apocoliptic trance is a little bit crazy I've begun to realize.
There is no anvil. Everyone- repeat after me- NO. ANVIL.
Maybe I'm just lucky to be married to someone like Joel, maybe our personalities are the perfect blend of bliss. So until something actually does 'hit the fan' so to speak, I will not be handing out any free assvice to people who are taking the glorious plunge. All I have to say to you is that YOU WILL LOVE IT!